Through the Veil
by Blackdeer7
Summary: Unbeknownst to Lakota Shepard, down in the dull, dark depths of the engineering bay, has always been the light that burns fiercest only for her. Covering the timeline from ME1, ME2 and beyond. This is Tali's story, told in her own words... Tali/FemShep
1. Tali'Zorah nar Rayya

**Author's Note:**

This story occurs in an AU from my previous incantations of Lakota Shepard. She's still an Earthborn, sole survivor with paragade leanings, and is an Infiltrator who loves her sniper rifle, but now her love comprises the presence of a certain quarian engineer.

Told solely from Tali's POV, the tale will encompass five chapters. The hope is that while reciting Tali's adventure each chapter will also reflect upon the quarian's personal growth and ever-evolving relationship with Shepard.

Many, many thanks to Lyaksandra for graciously volunteering to beta read. This fic would be paltry and drab without your sage advice and input. [Bows in humble gratitude.]

Lyaksandra - www [dot] fanfiction [dot] net/u/2544544/

As always, thanks for reading! And a special thanks to those who Fav, Alert and Review. Your interest and feedback continue to motivate and inspire.

P.S. – This story was edited on 12.11.11. Since the tale is now complete, I removed most of the Author's Notes that were written before each chapter, in order to give it a more free-flowing feel.

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><p><strong><span>Chapter 1: Tali'Zorah nar Rayya<span>**

_Unbeknownst to Lakota Shepard, down in the dull, dark depths of the engineering bay, has always been the light that burns fiercest only for her. Covering the timeline from ME1, ME2 and beyond. This is Tali's story, told in her own words..._

My name is Tali. Tali'Zorah nar Rayya.

I have spent the last eight months on board the _SSV Normandy SR-1_, a prototype Alliance ship captained by Commander Lakota Shepard, hero of the Alliance and the first human Spectre.

I was part of her multiracial crew. We were considered an inspiring example of what varying species could accomplish when we set aside our cultural differences and Lakota was the medigel that held us together. Her leadership and guidance united us all; turian, asari, human, krogan and quarian, into a cohesive unit. The solidarity she instilled became a symbol that gave people hope.

Lakota once told me, "Hope is a good thing and good things never die."

She lied.

I am tired. Weary. My heart aches and I have no cure, no salve to mend the break or hold back the void from which absence springs. No stim. No distraction. No focus.

I have no focus.

Damn you, Shepard.

Damn you for making me part of your crew. For enfolding me into your life. For treating me with respect. For making me care about you.

Damn you, for dying.

It's funny. Maybe even ironic. After all of these years, I am finally able to understand my father's distance.

My mother died just over five years ago, a victim of an airborne virus that ravaged the Migrant fleet. Not an uncommon occurrence taking into account the artificial environment of the Flotilla. The threat of death by infection or disease is part of every Quarian's life experience.

My father, Rael'Zorah, is a military man and a member of the Admiralty Board. After my mother's death, he all but disappeared to me. Swallowed into his work. In my grief, I found no comfort or solace from him. I thought I would never be doomed to feel so desolate and alone again.

I was wrong.

So now, once again, I am haunted by all that has fallen bereft at my feet.

I feel helpless against the endless tide of questions thundering through my brain never able to find a convenient home. I can't stop thinking about all the things I wanted to say, but never said. All the things I wanted to do, but never did. All those things I wanted to give, but never gave.

You never knew how easy it was for me to fall in love with you…because I never told you.

Nine months ago, soon after leaving the Flotilla and embarking on my Pilgrimage, I intercepted an important audio file. I had tracked a patrol of geth, waited until one was alone, and then took out the unit. I was able to retrieve the data before the core was completely corrupted. There's a quick and dirty method to disabling a geth, you just have to know their weaknesses.

The audio file revealed that a third party was responsible for the geth attack on Eden Prime. I knew the data was important, but was unsure what to do with it. I travelled to the Citadel and ran across Dr. Michel. Through her, I was able to make contact with an information agent known as the Shadow Broker and I set up a meeting. I thank my father for my knowledge on the Broker. Although eavesdropping was a punishable offence if caught, it was the only way I felt as though I was a part of his life.

I expected the Shadow Broker to show for the meeting. A foolish, naïve mistake. One that I almost paid for with my life. Fate, though, had different plans for me and instead of dying, I was saved by a bold and courageous stranger.

Being outnumbered by mercenaries who wanted to steal the data, I used a proximity mine to buy some time. Before I could conceive of a workable strategy to extricate myself from that mess, an Alliance soldier, deftly wielding a sniper rifle and tech tricks of her own, elegantly decimated the remaining assassins. I was rendered speechless...which is saying a lot knowing my tendency to ramble.

When your life is on the line, it's hard not to be impressed by unsolicited acts of heroism. Especially, when the beautiful, imposing savior is equal parts charm and menace.

"_Fist set me up!"_

"_Don't worry about Fist. He got what was coming to him."_

"_Then I guess there are two things I need to thank you for. Who are you?"_

"_My name's Shepard."_

I was suspicious at first and wondered what sort of angle you had in helping me. After quick introductions were made, my suspicions were somewhat abated. I had heard about you during my travels: Commander Lakota Shepard, survivor of the Akuze massacre, an Alliance hero, albeit a title given through tragic circumstances.

Humans were very proud of their heroes and had no qualms about blasting names across the extranet and media. It was a well known fact, if not a whispered joke, that humans were attempting to gain a solid foothold in galactic politics and wanted a seat on the Citadel Council.

Seeing you face to face, though, I didn't get the impression you were the type to be caught up in political agendas.

As much as I tried to fight it, my instincts wouldn't let me dislike you. Fate, it seemed, had its own plans for me, as well. We took the audio data to your ambassador and fate revealed its hand by shining upon me a second time that day. The audio data was the exact evidence needed in order to implicate Saren Arterius, a Turian Spectre, as a traitor. It also revealed that he was in league with the geth and an unknown female.

The next step was taking the proof to the Citadel Council. Afterward, they bequeathed you with Spectre status, an honor given to few, especially if your race doesn't already hold a seat on the Council.

The methods of finding and promoting individuals to the rank of Spectre have always seemed a bit nepotistic to me. In this, you seemed gifted with the ability to operate outside conventional parameters. A fact that continually surprised me.

I wanted… No… I needed to see these events with the geth through. I needed to follow the path fate had set in front of me, so when the council meeting was concluded, I convinced you to let me join your crew.

I had no idea what that decision was going to cost me.

The _Normandy_ was a magnificent feat of engineering. Built by human and Turian hands, the prototype frigate was an amazingly designed stealth ship with unprecedented technology. Travelling in a vessel like that was a dream come true.

We immediately set about the hunt for Saren. Our quest took us to Therum, a mining world in the Knossos system where we picked up the Asari scientist, Liara T'Soni. By that time, we knew her mother, Matriarch Benezia, was in league with the rogue Spectre. Liara said she hadn't seen her mother in years, so she was unaware of any dissention. My instincts told me to believe her, but the Alliance crew wasn't as open-minded and kept a watchful eye.

I felt sorry for Liara. She was guilty by association. Much like my people have been treated over the years. We Quarians are seen as little more than scavengers piecing together whatever bits of scrap metal we find to build and maintain our ragtag, ancient armada. On some logical level, it is a correct assessment, but that does nothing to ease the sting of shame when walking amongst other species. Two centuries have passed and we are still paying for the debacle with the geth.

But you, Shepard, you never treated Liara differently. You never approached her in an adversarial manner. I saw the way you spoke to her, listened to her and had genuine concern for her well-being. It surprised me to see a human treat another species with such respect. I saw it in the way you spoke with Wrex and Garrus, as well.

At first, when you came down to engineering and asked how I was doing, I thought you were just making your rounds. I thought talking to each member of your crew was just another checkpoint on your list of things to do. Over the course of weeks, which turned into months, I realized I was wrong. You were generally interested in me, in my life, in finding out more about me. Your interest in me furthered my fascination regarding you.

Because of the sincerity I saw in your eyes, I revealed more of myself than I had to any other. I told you about the contained life on the Flotilla; my mother's death; how uncomfortable it felt to be on the _Normandy_ and about my drive to bring something important back from my Pilgrimage.

You never once belittled my stories or my endeavor. If anything, you were encouraging.

Your attentiveness was unexpected. When I first joined your crew, I thought you'd be aloof, unapproachable. Instead, you were amiable and easy going, but you also had a shroud of intrigue about you. Whenever I asked a question, you somehow redirected the conversation back to me. In those first few months, I knew no more about you than when I initially walked onto the ship. You were a complete mystery to me.

And engineers love a mystery.

After Therum, we travelled to Noveria to intercept Matriarch Benezia. Along the way, we uncovered more of Saren's plan and learned about the Reaper ship, Sovereign. We also stumbled across a member of a long-thought dead species, the Rachni queen. She was caged and had been used for vile experiments. A century earlier, the rachni race had gone to war against the known galaxy, but instead of holding her responsible for the actions of her ancestors, you let her go. I was taken aback by your compassionate gesture. That action alone revealed a piece of your complex personality. I now saw the direct, aggressive attitude presented to others as a form of armor and beneath your armored surface churned a paradoxical, compelling individual. My interest in you deepened tenfold.

I did find out one interesting fact while running about Noveria, you hated the cold and snow. In fact, while traveling in a Mako up to the research station on Peak 15, you constantly grumbled about the inclement weather. "Snow," you said, "was the unnecessary freezing of water." Your disdain for the white flakes was adorable.

A great sadness occurred during our exploration through the research station: Matriarch Benezia died. I was there with you and Liara in those final moments. I saw the madness in the Matriarch's eyes, heard the profanity of her words, but I also witnessed those few moments when she regained her faculties and spoke candidly to her daughter. You sought to find another way, but Sovereign's control of her was too great and you had to end her life.

Liara was unusually, but understandably, quiet afterward.

Seeing an individual so violently dominated by Sovereign's will was unsettling on many levels. Indoctrination goes against the very laws of nature and is a tool of fiends. If I am ever possessed in such a perverted fashion, I hope someone has the compassion to end it for me. To this day, I am still haunted by the Matriarch's final words, "I am not myself; I never will be again."

Once we returned to the _Normandy_, I sought Liara out. I knew what it was like to lose a mother, and so I went down to the med lab to offer something, anything, to the Asari scientist. When I arrived, I saw you walk in. You didn't notice me, so I stepped aside and waited in the mess. I planned to talk with Liara after you departed, but forty minutes later, you were still in the lab.

I remember the feeling of a hot spike being inserted in my stomach. The queasiness and shakiness that came with it. I left the mess and headed back to engineering to distract myself with an artifact that had been discovered during the latest planetary exploration. I was grateful for the shielded confinement of my environmental suit.

Life on the _Normandy_ continued to follow that pattern over the course of months. You had captured my attention and I found I was envious of the time you shared with the Asari. Although you spent time with Williams, Alenko, Garrus, Wrex and I, you devoted the vast majority of your free time to Liara. Even Alenko seemed agitated by your focused ministration on the scientist. Your time with the rest of the crew didn't rankle me in any fashion. I'm sure it's because only a fool would have missed the energetic interaction between you and Liara. I wish I had been such a fool.

One day, I was in a particularly foul mood. An old, orbital probe was giving me fits and you happened to walk into engineering. My frustration emboldened me to ask a question that had been sifting through my head for weeks.

"_Hey, Tali, how goes the dismantling?"_

"_It doesn't. This… This, bosh'tet is a juvenile piece of unimaginatively plebian technology that requires a simpler mind than mine to dismantle."_

"_Hey! Perfect. That means I can help."_

"_Shepard, you are no engineer."_

"_Ouch. No, I'm not, but I do know my way around a circuit board or two. Lest you forget that I have a few tech tricks of my own."_

"_No, I haven't forgotten. In fact, you understand more than most of Chief Adam's crew."_

"_Hah! Now there's the nice Quarian I've come to know and love."_

"_Shepard, why are you down here?"_

"_What? Why? I didn't know I needed a reason."_

"_I just… I mean… It seems you've been spending a lot of time in the med lab."_

If you could have seen my face, felt my pulse, heard my breathing, you would have known what it took for me to blatantly call you out in that fashion. Your response surprised me though.

"_True. I have. But I enjoy our time together, Tali. I like talking with you. For as much as Liara and I share, there is a fundamental difference. Scientists study the world as it is; engineers create the world that has never been. I am an engineer at heart."_

I snatched up those words and held onto them as though they were a glass of cool, spring water given while traveling across a torrid desert. They gave me a sense of peace, a sense of connection and sense common ground with you. I never let them go.

Afterwards, although we were on an important mission with galactic significance, a comfortable routine seemed to settle in throughout the crew of the_ Normandy_. Your leadership and guidance were integral facets to the ease in which we all performed our duties. An enjoyable, rewarding routine settled in between you and me, as well. I looked forward to the quiet occasions we spent together on various projects or just talking about frivolous things and did my best to ignore your time apportioned to Liara.

Even now, I find that I am still jealous of the moments conferred to the Asari scientist.

The next main planetary mission was Feros. The geth had attacked a human colony, Zhu's Hope, but we discovered the root cause of their interest had been generated by what the colony had uncovered: Species 37, the Thorian. The ExoGeni Corporation, the colony's sponsor, had allowed unsanctioned, horrid experiments to be conducted on the unsuspecting colonists. When the geth attacked, the colonists, now thralls of the Thorian blocked the entrance to the ancient alien's lair with their wrecked ship and defended the entity with their lives.

But you found a way around killing the enthralled colonists. You took the extra steps and measures to ensure no unnecessary deaths occurred. You even spared the life of the manipulated Asari acolyte, Shiala.

I don't know of any other individuals who would have extended themselves in that way. Your selfless actions made a mark upon me. One that I won't soon forget.

And then there was Virmire. The dirty, sad, irrevocable actions of Virmire. My heart went out to you and the choices you were forced to make on that mission. Sovereign's part fully revealed, Saren's inevitable escape, the destruction of the krogan genophage cure and, worst of all, Ashley's death.

After Virmire, the _Normandy _headed back to the Citadel. While en route, I went looking for you. I wanted to see how you were doing and found you holed up in your quarters. Alone. You were sitting on your bed staring blankly at the floor.

I sat down next to you, but you didn't seem to notice. I could feel the heavy sadness radiating off your being.

"_Shepard, I am so sorry."_

"_Yeah. Thanks. I… I…"_

I reached out and held your right hand. I'd never been so physically close to you before. Never touched you before. Well, not without rifle fire and proximity mines exploding around us. I wasn't sure how to comfort you; I only knew I wanted to. You placed your left hand over mine and we sat there in a peaceful, comfortable silence. The moment was neither hurried nor awkward. Although only a few minutes passed, it seemed as though an endless eternity slipped by, offering us both a bit of unexpected serenity. When you looked up at me, eyes glistening with unshed tears, you smiled.

I'd never seen that smile before. I like to think of it as mine alone.

Then a mischievous glint, one I knew all too well, sparkled in your eyes and you said something to lighten the mood, but at the same time, utterly confused me.

"_There is a saying about female engineers. Would you like to hear it?"_

"_Sure."_

"_Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day."_

Keelah.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. So I didn't act at all.

I kick myself because of my inaction.

That moment has stayed with me through the highs and lows of what followed. It felt like you were trying to tell me something, but I was too scared to act on it or question it. Too unsure of myself. Even now, this remembered image of you continues to pervade my mind and ravage my soul.

"What ifs" are torturous thoughts, at best. Debilitating, at their worst. Because of their overwhelming nature, I find there are times I want to close my eyes and make believe I never found you, but as expected, you're not that easily forgotten.

I wish you were here now. I wish you were standing right in front of me, even if it was just to lie to me once again and tell me everything will be alright.

But you're not. And you won't. I should have known you would bring me heartache.

Soon after the assignment in the Armstrong Nebula, you surprised me once again. A habit you seemed fond of repeating. You walked into engineering and nonchalantly offered me the gift of a lifetime. You gave me a copy of data detailing the early days of the geth. Just like that. No strings attached. No questions. No ulterior motive. When I asked if this would elicit trouble with the Alliance you told me not to worry. In your opinion, the Alliance owed me and in this, your opinion was the only one that mattered.

"_I am going to do everything in my power to help you succeed, Tali. If you ever need me, I'll be there for you. I'm not going to let you fall."_

You didn't ask it of me, but I stayed on as part of the _Normandy_ crew. I felt compelled to finish what we started. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I wanted to help you in any way that I could. And inexplicably, I had faith in your abilities to succeed.

The rest of our exploits are a bit of a blur. The Council locked down the _Normandy_, but we stole the ship and went after Saren.

My father will be so pleased to hear about that tidbit.

We travelled to Ilos via the Mu Relay, and then launched ourselves through the Conduit to stop Saren, destroy Sovereign, and ultimately, save the Citadel Council.

It was an amazing adventure. One I didn't think we had any chance of surviving. But I, like Saren and Sovereign, underestimated your courage, your perseverance and your ability to triumph where others would fail. I watched as you fearlessly confronted Saren. You defied his very nature by brazenly challenging his motives, his actions and ultimately, his undisguised indoctrination. Your words and conviction burrowed their way through Sovereign's choke hold over Saren, and in a last act to attain some redemption, regain some of what he once was, he killed himself. Even the face of staggering adversity and the blatant display of Sovereign's raw power, you never backed down. Not once. You selflessly risked yourself, never surrendering, never succumbing, and never submitting to the technological slaver's rule. When cornered, you were as ferocious as the tigers you loved so much.

I guess that's why you were chosen to be a Spectre. You made things happen. You got things done with limited resources and under impossible odds. It seemed nothing would stop you. You seemed a force of nature of which none could contain. Too late, though, I found out that you were no superhero.

After the defeat of Saren and Sovereign, the _Normandy_ was regulated to the Citadel for repairs. Your time was spent between giving reports to the Alliance and the Council, seeing to your duties as commander of the ship and also, spending time with Liara. I could tell something had changed between the two of you. It was subtle, but by that time, I was adept at noticing the nuances of your behavior.

I could only guess at the shift, but that guess was enough to make me ill. And then…

And then…

Then the_ Normandy_ travelled to the Omega Nebula in search of geth. Instead, we encountered a hostile starship that obliterated the _Normandy_ within minutes. Minutes. What kind of ship could do that?

I was in engineering when the attack first started. I made it to an escape pod with Chief Adams and other crew members. I was frantic to find out about the rest of the crew. To find out about you. In my helplessness, I condemned myself to stare at the nauseating destruction of the _Normandy_. The most beautiful ship I'd ever seen, torn asunder amidst the silent landscape of starry space. Eerily and utterly quiet space.

I knew. I can't explain it, but I knew. As I looked upon the desecration of the _Normandy_, I knew you were gone. I shutdown my suit's audio and stood in stunned silence. I felt a gaping hole open in my chest. All of the sadness witnessed by my eyes, all of the anguish spiraling from my soul, prevailed in suffocating the forlorn cries emanating from my heart and mind.

I was paralyzed.

As the _Normandy_ was ripped apart, piece by piece, so was my heart. All I could do was watch and weep. I'm not sure how long I stood at the view port, a witness to the reflection of my own demise. Minutes? Hours? Days? By the time we were rescued, I was all but catatonic.

Now I find myself, one week after being rescued, still unable to think of anything but you. Unable to forget a past that relentlessly haunts me. I have been reduced to whispering words of dismal regret to a ghost who lingers within my thoughts, hovers within my dreams, and at one time, danced within my hopes.

Nothing is able to fill the blackness that has slipped inside my chest.

Commander Lakota Shepard. Survivor of the Akuze massacre. Alliance hero. First human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel.

Dead.

So many things left unsaid. So many things left undone.

I promise that I will not forget you. I promise that I will never let you go.

Ever.

Goodbye, my hopeless dream.

Keelah se'lai.


	2. Tali'Zorah vas Neema

**Chapter 2: Tali'Zorah vas Neema**

_Unbeknownst to Lakota Shepard, down in the dull, dark depths of the engineering bay, has always been the light that burns fiercest only for her. This is Tali's continuing story, told in her own words..._

My name is Tali. Tali'Zorah vas Neema.

Two years ago, Commander Lakota Shepard, the lone survivor of the Akuze massacre, an Alliance hero, first human Spectre and the purported Savior of the Citadel, died while on a mission exploring the Omega Nebula for traces of geth. An unknown assailant launched a devastating surprise attack on the commander's ship, _SSV Normandy SR-1_. The resulting onslaught annihilated the unique stealth frigate and Shepard perished amidst the ruin.

I was part of her crew.

Images of that day continue to haunt my existence. Images of you, Shepard, linger uninvited in the periphery of my mind. Images of you persist in taunting me from the edges of my dreams.

You died that day, but my life continued on in an unending weave of lackluster events. Those events, transitory as clouds without substance, occupied my time, but held no reign upon my soul.

Your death caused ripples across the known galaxy and the media maws –your less-than-fond term for reporters like Al-Jilani- were unrelenting in their pursuit of knowledge about you. Knowledge that was both damning and venerate. Within months your status shifted from Alliance hero, to Citadel savior, and then to humanity's martyr. If your actions in life were depicted as heroic, then your actions profiled in death were transformed into legend. Over the course of two years, without your input or approval, you became a symbol of hope and the epitaph on your monumental renown spoke of perseverance and sacrifice. Ultimately, I don't believe you would have minded, except for the fact that it was all an elaborate ruse. A smoke screen to distract from more important issues in existence.

The Citadel Council was responsible for every inch of your postmortem celebrity status. In order to remove attention from their inaction and the imminent Reaper threat, they shrouded the actual events that beset your death in a fog of unsubstantiated half-truths and bold-faced lies.

Truth, it seems, is a subjective entity willing to bend at the first sign of dissention.

To calm the known galaxy's anxiety, the multi-species Council built lie, upon lie, upon lie until only a smattering of truth remained. They started with lies about Saren, attributing the attack on the Citadel to him alone. They added lies about the geth, alleging they had been swayed by the rogue Spectre to join his army. Then they whisked away the remaining truth with lies about the Sovereign's true nature while keeping the existence of the Reapers classified.

The Council was cunning in the skillful fabrication and the masterful wielding of their lies. Lies that tasted of sweat and blood, and death.

Without you to hold us together, the _Normandy_ crew dispersed to various corners of space. The Council was happy that the few of us who knew the truth scattered, as you humans say, to the four winds. Our truancy greatly reduced the risk for comments challenging the peaceful existence fabricated upon the foundation of their lies. They didn't have to worry, though. We all carried the burden of misguided culpability regarding your death, but bore it uniquely to our experience with you. You had earned our loyalty, which was tenacious and steadfast, and your death succeeded in unraveling us all. Any one of us would have given our life to save yours, but we were each denied that opportunity. Because of this, we all were tight-lipped about the infamous day.

The Alliance crew: Dr. Chakwas, Joker, Chief Adams, Lieutenant Alenko and others, were quietly reassigned. Joker, being the last person to see you alive, was particularly distraught, but hid his self-condemnation behind an impenetrable wall of stoic humor.

Wrex left without saying a word. The only person he would have explained himself to, the person who helped him retrieve his family armor and reclaim his honor, was dead.

Garrus returned to the ranks of C-Sec. I was surprised by the move. He was despondent after your death, but before leaving, spoke of wanting to live up to your ideals. I'm not exactly sure what that meant to him, but I think guilt and remorse fed his desire. Going back to C-Sec was a form of penitence.

Liara fell into a disconsolate despair, but I could offer her nothing. Being around her reminded me of you and that wasn't a healthy prospect for me. Also, although illogical and perhaps unfair, I partially blamed her for your death. She had been with you right after the attack; she had the opportunity to stay with you, but didn't take it. I realize that if I had been in that moment, if you had ordered me away, then I would have most likely followed your command… But that wasn't the point. I wasn't there, she was, and _she_ didn't stay to help you. I moved on before Liara, but in my correspondence with Chief Adams, he mentioned that she vanished without as much as a farewell. Not even to Dr. Chakwas, with whom she'd established a deep bond of friendship.

Your death affected us all in unique ways and each of us reacted in a manner that extolled the influence your presence had upon our lives. You were like a force of nature, impacting everyone and everything you touched. You rushed in like wildfire, burned through the twisted underbrush, and depending on one's point of view, left things better or worse.

Two years after the fact, I was still discovering how you'd mislaid me.

After the attack on the _SSV Normandy_, I returned to the Migrant Fleet and devoted myself to my people. My Pilgrimage complete, I joined the crew of the _Neema_ and held a place of distinction upon the new ship. My Pilgrimage gift, the data you had given me on the geth, was well-received, but my reputation was also enhanced by my association with you. Apparently, traveling with the Spectre who led the wave against the geth during the Battle for the Citadel held significant weight on the Flotilla.

Even among the Fleet, in a vastly different setting than Citadel space, I could not escape your disconcerting shadow. It seemed everyone I spoke with wanted to know what it was like to serve on a ship captained by the great Commander Shepard. Time, also did not ease the ache, or temper the wounds that festered within my heart. Nearly a year after your death, your image was still broadcast in the media and brought with it the acerbic knowledge that I would never find closure, never fill the void that sprung from your absence.

Everywhere I went memories of despairing appeal whispered to me like echoes from a hidden lyre. Weeks passed and I still found myself aimlessly roaming corridors in a dilapidated daze, not wanting to sleep because my dreams were plagued with bittersweet visions of you. Regret filled my mind, longing filled my heart, and anguish bound in them together in the ruins of my silence. Absentmindedly, I neglected my immuno-boosters and frequently forgot to take my daily rations, but I stayed away from stims of any kind. As difficult as it was to exist in a world without you, to consciously choose to wipe away all remnants of you would have felt like betrayal.

I could not walk upon the Citadel, could not see an Alliance solider, could not wake in the morning without you on my mind. Nowhere was safe from your presence because I carried you with me every moment of every day, wrapped within vague thoughts that streamed shapelessly through my mind like long sad vapors. I felt oppressed by the indefiniteness of my longing and regret, thick as a plasmatic haze, which hung in my mind.

I've heard people say that endings are the toughest moments to endure. Others say that beginning again is the most difficult. They are all wrong. The most difficult moment to endure is sitting in the merciless wasteland of in between; sitting in limbo, hoping that the past will enfold you in its warm, suffocating embrace, but also praying that the future will slice through the thick, disorienting fog and offer you a lifeline, which reaches beyond the moment to save you.

My lifeline came in the form of an unexpected visit by Auntie Raan. After two months of drowning in your shadow, my despondent struggle to overcome the loss of you was soothed. Her kindness and concern woke me to my disheveled state. To myself, I vowed to change my mindset.

My father once told me, "The world doesn't owe us anything. If we want something in life we have to earn it." It was time for me to earn my place amidst the Flotilla.

Instead of dwelling on the past, I forcibly coerced myself to forge ahead and focus on the welfare of the Fleet. Over the next year and a half, I volunteered for everything that would challenge my mind and take my thoughts away from you. I repaired countless drive cores, led missions to find new resources, researched geth activities and jumped into anything that had the remote possibility of keeping me, my mind, occupied. I worked myself to exhaustion. To forgetfulness. To numbness.

Then, like the _Normandy_ two years prior, the world I had carefully constructed and fully immersed within, shattered like brittle ice being cleaved from a rooftop.

I led a rescue mission to the human colony of Freedom's Progress, searching for a missing quarian named Veetor'Nara who had been helping the colonists as part of his Pilgrimage. My team and I arrived to find settlement eerily deserted, but with the security mechs activated. I guessed Veetor was responsible for turning the mechs on. Damage to his CO2 scrubbers and an infection from an open-air exposure had likely caused delirium and affected his judgment.

I expected to find a sick, unstable quarian, but instead, I found a specter.

My crew and I were holed up in an abandoned living quarters. As we were discussing the best approach through the mechs, the entryway doors opened and we quickly trained our guns on the intruders. Like a mirage, vague, dimly seen at first, a figure cautiously entered the room, leading two other shadows. As soon as I caught sight of the phantasm on point, an ecstasy overwhelmed my mind like an unexpected and exquisite thought.

You were a striking woman. In human terms, you weren't a classic beauty, but your good-looking features carried with it a natural elegance. At five foot nine, you were taller than the average human female, and had a lithe, athletic build of someone who engaged in intense regular exercise. People had always been drawn in by your energy and your dynamic presence which dominated the very space you stood. In that moment, what gripped me was the mesmerizing intensity blazing in your pale green eyes, luminescent against the backdrop of honey tanned skin and ponytailed, coal-black hair. You always pulled your hair back. You hated when wisps of hair blew across you face ranting that they could tip the scales when zeroing in on a target with your sniper scope.

A sad smile tugged at my lips, and I briefly wondered if my mind had come undone. Then the weight of two years came crashing down upon me, as a sledgehammer upon a data chip.

In less than a split second, my heartbeat was like a stampede pounding through my body, thundering through my ears, deafening and implacable as some elemental force. Memory and emotion, swift as lightning, surged in my soul like a tempest and swept my thoughts into a cyclone of incomprehensible stupefaction. Without a sound, you stole my breath and stunned me into submission. I took a deep breath and, in an attempt to clear my eyesight, shook my head. Steadying myself, I boldly stepped forward to either confirm or destroy the ethereal vision of my heart's desire.

"_Wait… Shepard? Is that… you're alive?"_

The fact that I had been able to speak surprised even me. The rest of what happened seems like a blur and if my omni-tool hadn't been recording the whole scene, it would have been.

Shock filled those captivating green eyes as your demeanor shifted in recognition and you lowered your sniper rifle. You motioned to the others to holster their weapons, and then stepped closer.

"_Tali!"_

The sound of your voice was rich and vibrant, a lyrical siren's call to better times and salve for heart-weary wounds.

You were alive. Living, breathing, standing, smiling… You smiled_ that_ smile in my direction. The smile I had only seen one other time when we were sitting alone in your quarters right after the events on Virmire. The smile only meant for me. My smile. In the blink of an eye, my life was turned upside down. Then like an icy wave, a swift and tragic impression swept through me. I wanted to run to you, touch you, but you were with them. With Cerberus. The terrorists. Their vile presence alone was enough to keep my heart and mind grounded. Seeing you with them made me ill.

Like a blast from the suddenly opened door of a furnace, I was immediately infuriated.

That's when I noticed your facial scarring. The cybernetic tint within your eyes. My thoughts came snapping and growling around me like a pack of wild varren. What had they done to you? What were you? Could you be trusted?

You noticed my hesitation, and although you couldn't see my shielded facial expression, you must have registered my averseness. You always had a gift for seeing beyond my mask, reading my mind, and your next words were able to assuage most of my doubts and concerns regarding your identity.

"_Remember when I gave you that geth data, Tali? Did it help you complete your Pilgrimage?"_

"_Yes, it did. Prazza, weapons down. This is definitely Commander Shepard."_

My heart soared. It was you. Really you. Not some clone or doppelganger, or shade of you. But what were you doing with Cerberus? They had infiltrated the Flotilla, tried to blow up a ship, murdered my people. Why were you with them? Those questions bore into me as surely as a plasma torch, so I asked you as much.

"_I nearly died, Tali. Cerberus spent two years rebuilding me. They want me to investigate attacks on human colonies."_

It wasn't the answer I expected, but I never expected to see you again in this lifetime, either. You were alive. If I am honest, that was all that really mattered to me. Cerberus be damned.

We agreed to work together. Your team took the direct route and headed to the warehouse that Veetor had barricaded himself in. My team was supposed to flank in from the side to draw off some drones, but Prazza, the idiot, took his men ahead and they were slaughtered by an YMIR mech. Stupid bosh'tet! He never listened. At least, some of them survived. That was something.

In contrast, the YMIR mech didn't stand a chance again you. As I tended to the surviving members of Prazza's squad, I watched you descend upon the mechanical leviathan.

You were still impressive, but you'd become a blatant risk taker. Instead of neutralizing the YMIR with your sniper rifle from a distance, you attacked it directly. If it had been anyone other than you, I would have considered it a suicidal approach. You ordered your team to overload the mechs shields and lay down a distracting, suppressive fire. You cloaked, snuck up behind the gigantic mech, and then used a shotgun at point blank range. My heart dropped to my stomach as its arm swung around to hit you, but like a great express tram, roaring, flashing, dashing headlong down the track, you rolled under its arc, popped to your feet and then fired three successive shots in its vital wiring. The YMIR dropped. Your assault seemed belligerently and heedlessly reckless to me and the heated battle-rage upon your face was enough for me to realize the changes in you were more than outward.

The most unsettling display wasn't something that had changed, it was something brand new. At the end of the firefight, a mech entered the battlefield from behind. You'd exhausted your supply of shotgun thermal clips, but instead of cloaking and using your pistol, you used biotics. It appeared that the mech lost all power, and then exploded. It took me a moment to recover from my shock, and I scolded myself for not noticing this new cache to your arsenal beforehand. Although my admonishment was baseless– I had not seen you in action before –nonetheless, I felt I should have recognized the change because this was a wildly unusual ability for you to have. After all, you weren't a biotic prior to Cerberus's bloodstained hands touching you.

What had they done to you? What had you undergone?

After finding a traumatized Veetor, and evidence that the Collectors were behind the colony's disappearance, you and I went head to head. Your Cerberus dogs wanted to take the injured Veetor for interrogation, but I told you to take a copy of his omni-tool data and let me take him back to the Flotilla. The line was drawn and I was ready to find out who this Shepard was.

The woman, you called her Miranda, was adamant about taking Veetor, but you, with a low growl that descended, perfect, sudden, like a curse from the ancestors, cut her off without hesitation.

"_Veetor goes with Tali."_

I've seen the steel glint of your eyes; heard the cold, imposing inflection of your voice; but I'd forgotten the way they burrowed through and made the very core of your being shudder and tremble. I would never want to be on the receiving end of your wrath, verbal or otherwise. As you shifted your stance, your gaze locked with mine, and then your expression proceeded to change with the rapidity of a kaleidoscope. It shifted from irritation, to weariness, and finally, to hopeful curiosity.

"_You don't have to take Veetor and go. We could work together. Just like old times." _

My heart sank. Of all the things you could have asked of me, in this, I had to deny you.

"_I want to but I can't. I've got a mission of my own. It's too important for me to abandon, even for you."_

Emotions flashed across your face like the sweep of sun-rent clouds over a quiet landscape. By the sweetest sadness mirrored in your turbulent, green eyes, I saw that I let you down. I wanted to take my words back, but I couldn't. The Migrant Fleet took precedent over everything; even my innermost desires. After a two year absence, how could you expect me to drop everything and follow you? I was still rolling with shock that you were alive, but your presence dominated my senses and it took every bit of willpower to keep my distance.

You stared at me in statuesque silence, nodded your head in reluctant agreement, and then informed your people to pack things up.

When I gave you a copy of the omni-tool data, you asked about my mission. Because of the company you kept, I only told you it was in geth space. I couldn't bear the loneliness I saw in your eyes, the suffering that mimicked my own anguished distress, so I offered the only balm available to me.

"_When it's over, and I'm still alive, we'll see what happens."_

You smiled. Not my smile, but it was one that reached your eyes and seemed to ease your mood. Then a familiar, mischievous glint sparkled in your eyes; it matched the smirk on your lips.

"_You have a new environmental suit. It looks good on you."_

Damn you. You always knew what to say to get under my suit. I was glad you noticed though. It made me smile.

I left with Veetor and the remaining quarian crew. We returned to the Flotilla where he was able to get proper medical attention and I debriefed the Admiralty Board on the mission. They were not pleased to hear about Cerberus, but that held little attention once I mentioned your involvement.

For the longest time I thought all that was beautiful drifted away like water, but now, you were alive and your existence changed everything. My thoughts of you were no longer bound in tokens of dismal remembrances; instead, they were like an unknown world, wild and exciting as primeval chaos.

Within two weeks I was shuffled off onto my next mission: Head to the planet Haestrom to gather data on the planet's prematurely dying sun. Haestrom was deep in geth territory, so I traveled with a contingent of quarian marines, including Kal'Reegar, for protection.

Kal'Reegar is a good man, and he is a patient man. He approached me not long after I joined the _Neema_. He was not pushy, nor did he make me uncomfortable, but I could tell he wanted something from me that I couldn't give. I assume he thought time would make a difference, but he didn't know that what he hoped I could provide I had already given to you.

Unfortunately, within an hour of our arrival on the planet, a geth patrol sighted our ship and began dropping troops. While the marines held off the geth, I ran for the observation room. I sealed myself in to protect the collected data and tried to contact any survivors through the comm system. I'm not sure how much time passed, but when my pleas were finally answered, my breath caught in my chest. The voice on the other end both thrilled me and made me frantic: Commander Lakota Shepard.

Keelah! What were you doing in geth space? Not only were you in the middle of geth space, but now you were in the middle of a skirmish between the quarian marines and geth troopers. I couldn't argue with your timing, but you were still a mad, raving bosh'tet! I was stressed before your arrival, but adding in my concern for you, every nerve in my body felt like a strained harp-string ready to snap at the slightest touch.

Although, if you'd been in front of me in that moment, I would have hugged you. Self-consciousness be damned. You always had a knack for being at the right place at the right time.

I told you where I was located, asked you to help Reegar and demanded that you be careful. You were not allowed to be injured saving me.

You and your crew fought your way through the geth and met Kal'Reegar. You had him stand down from the fight, but with his strategic advice, you were able to destroy a powerful Geth Colossus. Then you found me. Once again, you saved me. I was reminded of our first encounter on the Citadel when you rescued me from Fist's henchmen. I still saw you as a beautiful, imposing savior who was equal parts charm and menace.

I explained that the data gathered on Haestrom's sun proved it was dying too quickly, possibly due to dark energy affecting the mass of the star. You asked me if the data was worth all of the quarian lives. I responded that the Admiralty Board thought it was. That didn't satisfy you though; you wanted to know what I thought. I was angry and too many of my friends had died. I hoped that the Admiralty Board would be able put the information to good use, and make it worth such a terrible cost. I didn't feel that was possible though.

After little deliberation, I sent the geth data with Kal'Reegar and informed him that I would be traveling with you. He took it in stride, but being adept at reading other quarians, I knew he was unhappy. He was impressed with you, but didn't like that I was leaving with you. I believe he finally understood why I never responded to his advances.

I was tired and frustrated with the Admiralty board's bureaucracy; they were starting to remind me of the Citadel Council. Also, after Freedom's Progress, all I wanted to do was honor my promise given to you and join your crew. To be a part of something greater than myself or the Migrant Fleet. I knew the Reapers were still an imminent threat and I wanted to add my energy to the cause. I also wanted to travel with you again.

Immediately upon arriving on the _Normandy_, we headed to the debriefing room. Jacob Taylor, a Cerberus soldier, attempted to welcome me, but I dismissed him.

"_I don't know who you are, but Cerberus threatened the security of the Migrant Fleet. Don't make nice."_

"_That's why you're here, Tali. I need people who aren't Cerberus—people I can trust."_

"_I assumed that you were undercover, Shepard. Maybe even planning to blow Cerberus up. If that's the case, I'll loan you the grenade. Otherwise, I'm here for you. Not for them."_

I also reminded you that Cerberus thought enslaving Thorian creepers and Rachni was a good idea. As I started to head out the door on my way to Engineering, you stopped me. You nodded your head in Jacob's direction, a dismissal. He walked out and we were left alone.

For the first time in two years, we were alone in a room together.

Looking upon you, I realized that I had missed everything about you. Your look, your generosity, your brashness, your inquisitive nature. You had an incredible mind, deep thoughts that demanded answers, and belief in yourself. You were so unafraid, so casual and so natural. You had the most expressive eyes and a capturing smile to match. I loved the strength of your arms and how your hands looked capable of anything.

While looking upon you, the strange, cold sense of aloofness that had numbed my being since getting on the shuttle suddenly gave way like snow melting in the spring. In a moment's notice, life stretched before me alluring and varied as open space, and thoughts of you meandered through my mind coaxing me out of my silence.

"_I guess I made it clear who I am working for."_

You shook your head and with a rueful smile remarked on my scathing Cerberus commentary.

"_You always had a unique perspective on things, Tali. I chock it up to you being an engineer."_

"_How's that Shepard?"_

"_To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be."_

You always knew how to make me laugh. After all of this time apart, after all of my longing and poignant regret, only one question seemed important enough to verbalize.

"_How have you been, Shepard? Honestly."_

"_I don't feel like I am strong enough, but at least it feels like the worst is over. My uncertainty no longer exists. I know what's important."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_A lot of things have changed. I see things differently, feel differently. Did you know that Liara is an information broker on Illium?"_

A breath of melancholy made itself felt like a sudden, chilly gust from some half-remembered sea as the old, familiar feeling of a hot spike being plunged into my stomach asserted itself. I shook my head, but remained silent so you wouldn't hear the anguish in my voice.

"_After Freedom's Progress, she and I spoke on Illium, and I realized how much had shifted between us. I still care about her and want the best for her, but I'm not upset about her absence. Not like I was after seeing you at the settlement."_

"_What?... What are you saying?"_

"_I missed you, Tali, and when you walked away, well… It felt wrong."_

"_Oh… I didn't… I wanted… I didn't know, Shepard. I'm sorry."_

"_Don't worry about it. I get it, trust me. I understand duty."_

You took a deep breath and turned to me, eyes blazing, deep as an emerald forest. A radiant look came over your face, like a sudden burst of sunshine on a cloudy day, and you smiled, my smile. You captivated me with your gaze and bewitched me with your bold, revealing words.

"_It took me losing everything - literally - before I could see what was shining in front of me the whole time."_

My heart hammered in my chest - I recognized this moment. It felt like we'd been transported to your quarter's two years before and you were trying to tell me something. Back then, I hesitated. This time, I was not going to make the same regretted mistake.

"_I didn't… I assumed you wouldn't, you couldn't, see beyond this suit. Keelah… Why does it feel like we're meeting for the first time?"_

You laughed, and then reaching out, gently grabbed my hand.

"_Because, in a way, we are."_

I thought of the last two years and the changes that had taken place. I looked upon your fading scars which seemed a reflection of the fading wounds within me and voiced my concerns.

"_Shepard, it's been two years… I'm not… I've changed."_

"_Hah… well, as you can see, I've stayed the exact same."_

"_Shepard, this is serious... Important. Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple…"_

"_I've always had a different set of rules for you, Tali. Remember -_ _engineers create the world that has never been._"

"_I've missed you. I hoped… I wanted… I just didn't think you'd…"_

This time, it wasn't fear that stopped me from acting on or questioning your words. It wasn't because I was too unsure of myself. Instead, a confused mass of impressions, emotions and thoughts held me immobilized and silent, but your gift for words was able to break through my clouded paralysis.

_"Tali… Life's not about waiting for the storms to pass... It's about learning how to dance in the rain." _

Sometimes you were a mystery to me: soft, soothing and gentle, like a feather floating wistfully upon the wind. In that moment, I realized a shift had occurred between us. As if a door were suddenly left ajar into some world unseen before, an ease had secretly settled over us. Gone was the tension born from unresolved feelings and unanswered questions, and in its place sat a silent agreement to focus on the now.

_"Would you care to dance with me, Tali'Zorah vas Neema?"_

_"Yes, Shepard, I'd like that."_

We sat there in a peaceful, comfortable silence, in a moment that was neither hurried nor awkward. Although only a few minutes passed, it seemed as though an endless eternity slipped by, offering us both a bit of unexpected serenity.

You once told me, "Hope is a good thing and good things never die."

As I walked out of the briefing room and headed toward Engineering, the veiled future bowed before me like a vision of promise and I discovered that my hope, like a distant star glimmering steadily in the darkness, remained eternal.

Unbroken.


	3. Tali'Zorah vas Normandy

**Chapter 3: Tali'Zorah vas Normandy**

My name is Tali. Tali'Zorah vas Normandy.

Settling in on the new _Normandy_ wasn't as difficult as anticipated. Much of the transitional ease came from the familiar faces of Dr. Chakwas, Joker, Garrus, and of course -you- Commander Lakota Shepard. Some of it came, unexpectedly, from the new faces like Gabby and Ken, some of it came from, once again, being on a ship that skirted the lines between prototype and unimagined vision. You always wound up with the coolest toys. Most of the transitional ease can be laid at your feet, though. You went out of your way to make sure I was comfortable in the midst of a Cerberus crew and on a Cerberus vessel with an AI in control of most major functions.

Keelah. When I think about it that way, what had I willingly stepped into?

I did my best to find a role on this new _Normandy_. My hands were never happy when idle, so I immediately dove into the construct of the drive core, armament, weapons and shielding. To say I was impressed with the Thanix Magnetic-Hydrodynamic Weapon would be a grievous understatement. Garrus provided the idea and specifications for this turian-developed cannon, basically a miniaturized version of the weapon used by Sovereign during its attack on the Citadel. He told me that it employed an electromagnetic field to shape and accelerate a stream of superheated molten metal, which was then projected and dispensed incredible amounts of damage upon impact. Both he and I saw what Sovereign's weapons did during the Battle for the Citadel, so I hoped this smaller version would pack an equal punch.

The original ablative armor had been retrofitted to the Asari-designed Silaris heavy ship armor. When I found out that Jacob, the Cerberus lackey, suggested the upgrade, my respect for him grew. Just a bit. I was able to see beyond his Cerberus affiliation and recognize his commitment, if not to you, then to the mission. The beauty of the new ship armor lay in its ability to resist the tremendous heat and kinetic energy of starship weapons. The central material was a combination of carbon nanotube sheets woven with diamond chemical vapor deposition. These were crushed by mass effect fields into super-dense layers offering unsurpassed strength and the capability to withstand extreme heat and rapid temperature shifts. As an engineer, I was enthralled by the building blocks of the technology.

I was surprised to find that this new _Normandy_ was equipped with only a standard system of kinetic barrier shielding. After the original _Normandy_'s destruction, I thought Cerberus would have assessed the weakness of those barriers. They were completely ineffective against the extreme heat and radiation originating from the lasers and particle weapons of the collector ship. I was well aware of the flaw and that knowledge haunted me for years. During my time on the Flotilla, I spent any and all free time researching, experimenting, testing and implementing new shielding methods for our fleet. It helped ease the ache and guilt bound in surviving.

In lieu of my research, I was able to make an upgrade suggestion: a new type of multi-core shielding. This upgrade utilized Cyclonic Barrier Technology which slapped aside rather than halting direct force. By rotationally firing mass effect field projectors, a ship created rapidly oscillating kinetic barriers instead of static ones. In essence, shooting through the CBT was like trying to shoot a target inside a spinning ball. As a backup, if an emitter was damaged, the CBT corrected to become a traditional shield array, an effective safety feature during the beginning volleys of combat. The Flotilla implemented it on some of its scout ships, but they were limited because the process was both costly in creds and material. With you at the helm of the _Normandy_, we didn't have that restriction. Once the parts had been purchased on Illium, and with the help of Gabby and Ken, we were able to have the new shielding online within a week of its implementation. By engineering standards, that was an impressive feat.

You and I weren't so easily handled. Although we had made our interest in the other known, we still had much to learn. I had much to learn, but not only about you, about myself. Was my attraction born of hero worship? Was it bound in Commander Lakota Shepard, Alliance Hero? Or Commander Shepard, first human Spectre? Or was it the soldier, determined and graceful, who came to my rescue…twice? Was it something else entirely? Or was it all bound together?

In the two years you were gone, I watched every vid, read every biography, every media article and extranet blog that pertained to Commander Lakota Shepard, but none of that made me feel like I knew you any better. None of it made the ache go away or the longing for your presence any less. Now that I was standing before you, I had the ability and option to get to know you directly. I had a chance to get to know you for more than just Commander Shepard or even as just my friend, Lakota Shepard, I now had a chance to get to know _you_: Lakota. This unknown, uncharted territory was scary, but also strangely exciting. In those opening months, the desire to be near you was a constant distraction burning through my body.

Although we saw each other daily, talked daily, there was still a part of you that I considered to be an uninvited guest. At the same time, it was the part that I most craved to be near, almost to the exclusion of all else. It was a very confusing time for me because I was pulled in two directions at once, constantly dancing between follies of now or never. So many times when we were together I wanted to reach over and take your hand or hug you, but I didn't. Why didn't I? Because I thought too much. I wondered where it would lead and what it would mean and how things would be different. Would they be different?

To fear was one thing. To let it swing me around by the tail was another. Courage, after all, wasn't the absence of fear, but rather the decision, the choice, that something else was more important than the fear holding me back. I knew it was fear that bound me to the moment. It was fear that paralyzed me. I just needed time to move through my fear and being around you was good motivation. I felt out of control when I was around you, but especially when we were alone. You were never more difficult to resist than when we were alone.

In between missions you and I spent as much time together as we could. It was in those moments, and during a few missions, that I found I didn't agree with your decisions as much as I thought. Of all our disagreements, the one involving Garrus remains the most poignant to me.

Garrus had acquired information about the location of Sidonis, the mole who betrayed his team, which led to their deaths. Following the lead, you, Garrus and I travelled the Citadel and talked to Captain Bailey who then pointed us in the direction of a person known only as Fade. This mysterious contact turned out to be a former C-Sec officer named Harkin. I remembered him from two years ago when he attempted to flirt with you in Chora's Den. Idiot. He tried to barricade himself in a fortified building, but it wasn't enough to stop us. Between my hacking abilities, Garrus' sniper shots and your… tactically aggressive assault, we took down a slew of Blue Suns mercenaries, many LOKI mechs and three YMIR mechs. You were as determined as Garrus to get to Harkin and thereby, Sidonis.

Your rigid focus concerned me because it seemed interlaced with events or happenings to which I had no knowledge. Something felt amiss and I hoped you would explain it when we were alone.

Once we'd overrun all of the hideout's defenses, we captured Harkin and Garrus interrogated him. At the end of it, Garrus shot him in the leg. I was stunned and appalled. Stunned that Garrus shot an unarmed man and appalled that you let him. With Harkin whining, you only commented darkly, "You're lucky. I wouldn't have shot you in the leg." Before being shot, Harkin had arranged a meeting with Sidonis for the following day at noon outside the Orbital Lounge, so there was time to talk.

I didn't say anything on the shuttle, but waited until we'd returned to the _Normandy_. Before leaving the shuttle bay, I cornered you.

"_Shepard, what was that down there?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Garrus- shooting an unarmed man."_

"_It was Garrus' call, but I'll admit, it didn't bother me. I have a long memory. While Harkin was in C-Sec, he was known for roughing up suspects in custody, taking bribes. Now, he's a racketeer and tried to kill us. I won't lose any sleep over it."_

"_And when you meet up with Sidonis tomorrow? What then? Kill him in cold blood?"_

"_It will be Garrus' call and he's not asking for my opinion on the subject. If you want to know how I feel… Sidonis_ _betrayed Garrus' team and they all died. Unforgivable in my book. You don't betray family or friends."_

With that, you departed the shuttle bay and, I assume, retired to your quarters. I spent the rest of the day attempting to reconcile how I felt about the choices and decisions you made and how I felt about you as a person.

The next day, you and Garrus left to go find Sidonis. It was no surprise to me when, later that afternoon, EDI reported that C-Sec was investigating his death, but had no leads. You and Garrus didn't return to the _Normandy_ until later that evening. Garrus was pleasantly drunk, but you were unflinchingly sober. I went to your quarters to see if you were in a conversable mood, because I wanted to talk. I found you sitting on your couch, taciturn and quiet, staring at the Prothean relic on the coffee table. You had a far-off look on your face, tempered like steel, but weary and sad.

The entire room was dimly illuminated by the effervescent glow of the aquarium and soft, blue-grey hue hinted at the coolness pervading the space and edging its way into the eerily quiet ambiance. Although the silence seemed heavy and dark, like a passing cloud, your furrowed brow gave away the turbulence of your thoughts and mood. Without prompting, you elaborated on the day's happenings.

"_I spoke with Sidonis long enough to hear that he had, indeed, betrayed Garrus' team. I stepped aside and let Garrus take the shot_."

I saw that you were struggling with the events of the day. Not only for you, but for Garrus and the choices he would have to settle within himself.

"_I was fifteen when I decided, on my own, to end someone else's life. That person had betrayed, had murdered my friends and those I considered family. They were beyond the reach of the law, but they were not beyond my reach."_

Even without the knowledge of your past, I understood your choice regarding Sidonis. Although I did not agree, I understood the reasoning behind it because I had been confronted with such a scenario when we helped Jacob find his father. Ronald Taylor had made the planet his own personal paradise, and used the men and the women, his crew, his family, for his own needs and personal desires. For ten years, he played puppet master until he was about to run out of food, and then turned on the distress beacon to save himself. On the Flotilla, no one would think that way. There is no place for such abuse. No room for such perversion. The idea that someone would desecrate the trust and loyalty of their crew, their family, in that obscene, godless way does not exist. I understood why you left Ronald Taylor to his fate at the hands of the survivors, and ancestors forgive me, even up to this day I feel very little remorse.

As you sat on that couch, sorrowful eyes looking my way, the loneliness surrounding you struck me like a blow to the chest. You had erected a protective barrier, but you looked so alone, fatigued, that the space you occupied felt faded and lackluster, as of a solitary caged creature. In that moment, it occurred to me that you weren't going to be alone any longer. I was stepping up to walk by your side and face whatever obstacles were in our way. From that second on, you were going to have a trustworthy, loyal, and equal companion by your side. I walked over to the couch, never breaking your gaze, and sat down next you –invading your space. You smiled wistfully.

"_Tali, let me be very clear about one fact: I would kill for you."_

Yes. I knew. It was a fact, a certainty that was bound up in your nature, an essential piece of who you were and maybe why you were able to get things done in circumstances that would normally overwhelm and destroy others. Loving you meant loving all aspects of you: the quirky side that loved all things tech, the commander who took charge of missions and assignments, the tender lover who wanted the moment to be right for both of us, the soldier who waded into life threatening situations, the woman who had soulful eyes and a gracious heart. In the midst of a dark and troubled sea before us, there was no predetermined moral lighthouse that was going to light the way along our path. We were going to have to navigate these murky, muddled waters on our own. Together.

"_Shepard, I know the world isn't black and white. I know life isn't always simple or pleasant or easy. You once told me that I was not alone. Well, I… I am telling you now; you are not alone."_

Your deep green eyes flashed with the brilliancy of a well-cut jewel as both of your hands reached over to capture mine. You raised them to your lips and gave them each a light, reverent kiss.

"_Thank you, Tali."_

Yielding to the charm of the moment, I stayed with you that night.

Sitting side by side on your couch, we spoke until sleep tugged at us like an incessant child, and then we continued to talk some more. Some distressing, confusing moments were woven into the conversations, but within them, I realized something beautiful. I found that I was able to disagree with you, but in that disagreement and difference of opinion I discovered myself falling ever faster, ever surer, in love with you. I had found someone who completely accepted me as I was, and whom I accepted unconditionally as well. I could finally be myself, and that was the ultimate gift I could give –my whole self- and I had never given it to anyone before. With you, I felt complete and all of meaning and ramifications bound in that feeling were more than I had ever known or seen, or experienced before.

Afterwards, we settled into an easy routine that included the two of us spending our nights together. We had come to a silent consensus to keep things simple, at least on the physical realm. Although I would sleep in your cabin, in the morning we were either entangled on the couch after talking in to the wee hours or entwined together on the bed after losing ourselves amongst the stars seen from your star port. We both took a lot of naps during those first few weeks. For the moment, we were content to be together in the whirlwind of revealing occasions, passionate flashes, and goofy instances that were all nestled within a happy bliss. I knew my contentment wouldn't last, though. My desire for you grew daily, like a hunger, but at least temporarily, it was enough just to be with you, to learn about you.

Those moments with you passed by as if in a dream: first too slow, and then too fast. I took pleasure in discovering the nuances of you. I loved the way your brow furrowed when you were concentrating and that you didn't fidget while sitting. You were extraordinarily cute when you explained how you loved deep red tones, but thought pink was a pseudo color. You had an elegance that followed all of your mannerisms, a serenity that surrounded you in the quieter moments. I routinely got lost in the depths of your green eyes that seemed deep as a forest or jungle expanse. At times, I was soothed by our beautiful, metaphorical innuendo and casual friendly banter. Other times, I was pleasantly frustrated. Either way, whenever I was alone with you, even just in my thoughts, you made me feel free.

In all of this, amidst the chaos of galactic events, I believe I was important to you as well. I believe I was your anchor.

Two weeks later, I received a disturbing message from the Migrant Fleet. The Admiralty Board charged me with treason, but refused to say in what regard. I asked to be taken to the Flotilla to discover the allegations, and plead my innocence, you agreed without hesitation. In truth, I think you were more offended than I was. I romanticized it as your protective feline nature rearing its claws.

When the _Normandy_ arrived at the Migrant Fleet, there was ample suspicion because it was a registered Cerberus vessel, but my passphrase allowed us dock with the _Rayya_. Auntie Raan met us at the garden plaza. It took me a moment, but after the initial greeting, I realized she had called me "vas Normandy." I felt as though I had been punched and my suit's air processors had shutdown. My quarian ship name had been stripped from me without warning or, in my mind, provocation. The Board had already tried and punished me. In that moment, I felt as though I were suffocating and had unwittingly stumbled into an elaborate trap.

Auntie Raan informed me of the charges: I was being accused of sending active geth back to the Flotilla. The extensiveness of the trap was further revealed when you, a human with no experience or familiarity with quarian custom, became my advocate. You were now my captain, and as such, you were now the voice tied to my behalf. I was not afraid or concerned, though. As so many others left in your wake, the Admiralty Board had fallen into the same foolish pit: they underestimated you, your abilities and your perseverance. As a quarian, I was disappointed in their lack of vision and biased nature. As an individual on trial, I reveled in their ineptitude.

You took the disclosure of my new title and trial allegations in stride, as though you had been prepared, and when you accepted the responsibility of being the voice of my defense, my heart swelled with pride and something else entirely. My respect and trust in you grew.

When the hearing started the admirals attempted to surprise me –us- with the revelation that the lab ship Alarei has been overrun by geth. My father, who was still aboard the ship, had been assumed to be dead.

Dead. The Admiralty Board chose to spring that upon me in a public setting to gauge my reaction… my culpability… my sincerity. Bosh'tet bastards.

My immediate concern was my father. You backed up my concern and proposed that we reclaim the _Alarei_. The Board chose to recess the hearing pending the recovery of the ship and any data that might reveal what truly happened on it.

Before heading over to the _Alarei_, we talked with the various members of the Board. In these discussions, it became apparent that the hearing was no more than a facade for the members of the Admiralty Board to advance their own individual agendas. It seemed my guilt or innocence was secondary to the various political motivations at hand. Admiral Raan, "Auntie Raan," orchestrated the trial to draw me back in the hopes to maintain fleet stability. Apparently, my reputation within the fleet was of more import than I realized. Admiral Xen, a colleague of my father's, wanted to study AI's further in order to ultimately regain control of the geth. It was unbelievable to me that a quarian could think that shackling the geth as a slave race was a good idea. Apparently, some of us would fit well amidst Cerberus. Admiral Gerrel, a longtime friend of the family and close friend of my father, advocated a war to retake the quarian home world. A war: in the middle of the Reaper threat, woven into the instability of the galaxy's political backdrop, and without any valuable data on the army or geth masses beyond the Perseus Veil. Sometimes it seemed our people would forever be entrenched in the past. Not only by other races, but by our own sense of injustice at being ousted from our home world. Then there was Admiral Koris. He wanted to make peace with the geth and although his tone seemed sincere and motivations seemed virtuous, he was just as bad as the other members. Any one of them would have thrown me to a pit of rabid varren, if it hadn't been for you.

I don't know who was right or if any of them were right, but I do know that their methods were less than honorable. I love my people. We, quarians, will need strong leadership in the months and years to come. That the Admiralty Board allowed themselves to stoop to those depths, to put forth a litany of lies in the hopes of propelling their own various personal agendas, was a disgrace upon each of them. Not only a disgrace pasted on their individual character, but one that tarnished us as a race, as well. Our people deserved better.

We –you, Garrus and I, took a shuttle from the _Rayya_ to the _Alarei_. What happened next is difficult to talk about because it changed everything…


	4. Tali'Zorah

**Chapter 4: Tali'Zorah**

My name is Tali. Tali'Zorah.

As mentioned before, what happened upon the quarian ship, the _Alarei,_ is difficult for me to talk about.

Two years prior, while journeying with you –Commander Lakota Shepard, amid the hunt for Saren; I learned to trust my instincts. My confidence and ability to listen to these gut feelings were honed over the years, and I had since come to depend on those innate perceptions –if for nothing else than to get a bearing on nebulous, unsettling situations. Especially when those obscure circumstances offered very few facts.

During the shuttle ride from the _Rayya_ over to the lab ship, my intuition flared and a sense of impending dread overtook me. An apprehension I could not shake. You didn't say anything, but your face reflected all the doubt and concern that were in my heart and mind. Whatever we found was not going to be good and we both knew it.

After docking with the _Alarei_, you, Garrus and I made our way through the ship destroying active geth along the way, and uncovering what really had transpired over the course of many months. Various reports mentioned that "something" had slowed down the ship's systems, so the firewalls had been disabled. My own father, _**Admiral **_Rael'Zorah, a man who should have known better, ordered safety protocols to be bypassed. I had been meticulous when sending geth parts and pieces to my father. I passed over great finds if I felt there was a hint, the slightest chance, that they were dangerous. In contrast, the _Alarei _scientists reassembled the geth parts I'd sent and activated them with little regard to safety or security. They wanted to conduct experiments on active, linked units in order to test new ways to overcome the geth's resistance to reprogramming. Too late had the scientists realized the reactivated geth invaded the ship's network. I'm sure that's just about the time when, as you humans say, all hell broke loose.

Admiral… Father… What had you done?

Like the quarians three hundred years earlier, the scientist's hubris regarding the geth was wrapped in unmitigated and apparently forgotten folly. Will we, the quarian race, ever learn from our past mistakes?

Keelah se'lai.

My father was dead.

When we stumbled upon my father's broken, battered body, I tried to convince myself it wasn't him. I tried to reason that my father couldn't be dead. He had counter-measures. He had a plan. He was preparing. He was going to reclaim the home world. He was too smart, too dedicated, too brave. He sacrificed so much. He gave up his ship. He gave up Mother. He gave up… He couldn't… He wouldn't… He wouldn't leave me… Not like this. Not to clean up his mess. Not… alone.

My father was dead.

The full force of that knowledge came crashing down on me as a lightning strike from the menacing heavens. Deafening. Stunning. Numbing. Deadening. I felt my world implode as a mortal coldness, like death itself, seized me in its icy grip. Without thought, I was on my knees, weeping while overwhelming grief, a black maelstrom of wicked intent, threatened to suffocate. In an instant, my life was shattered and its foundation lay in ruins.

My father was dead.

Out of nowhere, you swooped in, hugged me, consoled me, told me it would be alright. I didn't believe you, but at that moment, the lifeline you offered was the only thing that made sense to me. Your presence grounded me and kept my anguish, like a vicious fiend of some distempered dream, from swallowing me whole.

Once I had centered myself, focused on our predicament, I reasoned that my father would have left me a message and proceeded to find one on his omni-tool. His last words to me came in the form of an order: destroy the main geth hub and to bring the data to Admirals Xen and Gerrel. I shelved my suffering, compartmentalized it, until I had the luxury of sitting with it. For the moment, I focused on the mission and getting us out of the _Alarei_ alive and in one piece. We worked our way through the ship, decimating whatever geth stood in our way. When we finally arrived at the main hub, I found a recording on the command console. It proved that my father was responsible for reactivating geth and linking them in neural networks for weapons tests. The recording made it clear that I had no knowledge of his criminal activities.

I was livid… bitter… disappointed. Keelah, Father. What were you thinking? Was this just to give me a house on the home world? Was this all for me? I would have been happy to have you back. I would… I…

Regardless of my embittered state, I couldn't disparage my father. He may have been misguided, he may have miscalculated the situation, he may have misjudged me, but he was still my father and I loved him. You stayed respectfully silent, but watched attentively as I processed the information and feasible ramifications. An anxiety manifested from my deliberations and, although your eyes never strayed from me, it hung like a dark impenetrable cloud between us. I begged you not to reveal the evidence at trial, so my father's name, his reputation might be preserved. You avoided answering my appeal by gently reminding me that we needed to get back to the Board.

We returned to the _Rayya _only to discover that the hearing had begun without us. I was upset that the Admiralty Board was ready to pronounce us dead and render judgment in our absence rather than find out the truth. They had fallen far from the ideals of our ancestors and with this action, lost much of my respect. I couldn't keep the disdain or sarcasm out of my voice.

"_Sorry we're late."_

Apparently, you were equally annoyed because your words championed mine while chastising the Board in a swift, biting manner.

"_Didn't waste much time."_

To their credit, the admirals regained their composure, apologized and then asked if we discovered anything on the _Alarei._ You were my captain, my advocate, so you were the one to address the Board, but before you moved forward, I gently grabbed your arm and, in a whisper, repeated my plea.

"_Shepard... please..."_

You contemplated me for a moment, took in a deep breath, and then exhaled slowly, deliberately as if fortifying for battle. You flashed me what I can only describe as a roguish smile before turning to the Board and like the crack of a whip, barked your pithy reply.

"_Tali's achievements are the only evidence you should need. Come on Tali, we're leaving."'_

The Board was visibly appalled and a shocked rumble moved through the crowded chamber in reflection of the unusual occurrence. No one had ever been so brazened, so uncivilized with them before. I, on the other hand, was immensely pleased. If you could have spied beyond my visor, you would have seen admiration and pride radiating like a ring of pure and endless light. Spinning around, you headed for the exit doors, but before you took three steps Admiral Koris attempted to berate your manner and actions. You answered his accusations with reprimands and admonishments of your own.

"_Wrong, Admiral. __**You're**__ trying to build sympathy for the geth! Han'Gerrel wants to go to war! __**None**__ of you care about Tali!" _

Your inflection and ardent passion took my breath away. Nobody had ever defended me with such intensity and underlining ferocity. Your dismissal of the board was both endearing and arousing. The complexities of my feelings concerning you continued to grow and evolve at the oddest of times.

"_We have no new evidence. You can accept Tali's word or you can exile the woman who saved the Alarei, who saved the Citadel, who showed the galaxy the worth of the quarian people! Do whatever you want with your toy ships, but leave my crew out of your political bullshit!"_

You really had a way with words and government officials. Keelah, Shepard. No wonder the Citadel Council reinstated you and waved you off to the Terminus system rather than deal with you face to face.

In the end, the Admiralty Board exonerated me. When they attempted to thank you, you reminded them –nicely enough, that you weren't representing one of their people; you were representing one of yours. That's when you glanced at me and a smile played on your lips, my smile, filling the space between you and I like a whispered confession of love. For a second time that day, you took my breath away.

After the trial, we spoke. You said that I deserved better than what my father had shown. My reply was simple, honest… heartfelt. "I got better, Shepard. I got you." I believe I saw you blush.

"_Come on Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. Let's go back to our ship."_

It felt like we were going home.

I still don't know what is worse: thinking that my father never cared or that he did and his actions on the _Alarei_ were the only way he could show it. I never wanted the home world from him, but he never asked my opinion. If he had, he would have discovered the only thing I ever wanted, what would have brought me the greatest joy, was to know him. Instead, the man who died on the _Alarei _was little more than a shadow to me. I loved him, but I didn't know _that_ man. _That_ man's actions betrayed everything my father taught me. Everything that happened on the _Alarei_ could be laid at _that_ man's feet and he died because of his obsession. Keelah, I never wanted any of it.

Although you wouldn't like to hear it, I couldn't help but draw connections between you and my father. You and he were military personnel who had been weighted down by enormous responsibility. You were both impulsive and courageous, to the fault of being seen as foolhardy. At fifteen, my father, along with Han'Gerrel, single-handedly drove back a batarian attack. You –well, just look at your overall record and one can see that, although a brilliant tactician like my father, you showed enough brazenness and courage in the face of danger to last, as you fondly say, nine lives. I believe you also mentioned that you've gone through five of those lives to date. Keelah, trying to stop you would be like trying to stop a runaway comet. Better to turn into it and let nature take its course.

My father was a determined, driven man who wanted to better the quarian quality of life. Obviously, for him that took the form of reclaiming the home world. He even went so far as to violate sacred laws, ones that predated our departure from the home world, in an attempt to fulfill his task. You have taken similar extreme actions in order to get to the ultimate end goal. After the Citadel Council dry docked the _SSV Normandy SR-1,_ you hijacked the frigate and went after Saren. Most recently, you joined Cerberus, maybe not in loyalty but in their cause to uncover the mystery surrounding the human colonies. You allied yourself with a group you violently opposed and even now, have no qualms verbally reprimanding, but at what cost? You swallowed your principles, became an outlaw tied to a fringe terrorist group, because they –like you, see and acknowledge the Big Picture. That includes the Reaper threat but again, at what cost to you?

From that point on, you and my father are as distinct as night and morning. My father allowed his responsibilities overshadow his life, his family, me. You're not like that. You still make time for yourself, time for your crew, and time for me. You haven't lost the connection to the reason why you've taken on the responsibility. My father lost his perspective and in that deprivation, he lost himself. I loved and respected my father, and at one point in my life, I wanted to be like him. After the _Alarei_, he lost my respect. Although I don't want to be you, I respect you. Not only that, but I admire you. Even if I wasn't in love with you, I would be in awe of your majestic and radiant presence. Your force of will.

My concern for the similarities between you and my father manifested that first night after returning from the _Rayya_. We were in your quarters and you were doing your best to console me on his death, but in some ways, I was being difficult. Not on purpose. It was just hard to force myself to come to terms with the absence of a man who had already been removed from my life for about a decade. In some ways, although harsh sounding, he had been dead to me for years.

We were sitting, entwined together, on your couch –your back pressed onto the cushions while your arms and legs encircled me. I nestled my back into your chest and stretched my legs out across the upholstered furniture. Focusing my stare on the Prothean relic located on the coffee table, my thoughts were swept into the depths of the obsidian orb. Your hands gingerly attempted to knead the knots and stress from my shoulders and arms, and although their feel was tempered by my suit, the consoling pressure they offered was a poultice for my weary heart and chaotic mind.

"_Shepard, you have to promise something."_

"_That sounds ominous."_

"_My father… His mistakes… You can't just… You have to promise that you won't repeat his mistakes." _

"_Tali, he and I are not alike."_

"_I know… I didn't mean it like that. It's just… He ran forward. Focused on what he thought was best. Excluded everything else and lost himself. With the Reapers, I don't… I don't want to lose you, too. Not like that..."_

I kept my gaze fixated on the pulsing artifact. The rhythmic motion offered a spellbinding allure granting me the ability to listen with a detached ear. In this way, I was protected from answers that I may not have been prepared to hear.

Your hands slowly slid down my arms and encircled my torso. You tugged gently so I sank back further into your shape while you fully wrapped me in a tender, compassionate embrace.

"_With you at my side, as my anchor, that will never happen."_

The fervent tears I had shelved on the _Alarei _reared up and crashed upon their breakwater. No longer would the dam of long-suppressed grief be contained as the levee holding in my sorrow crumbled to rubble and dust. I wept. I wept for my father, for the empty years between us, for myself. Tears poured from me like a trembling flood, but you held on. You reverently kept me enveloped in your absolving embrace as the desolate anguishing tides rushed through. In your arms, I stayed afloat until the turbulent flood abated and an exhausted peace was left in its wake.

One of your endearing characteristics was your use of humor to lighten a mood. Humor, as you said, was the best medicine. Cradled in your arms, you attempted to sooth my weary spirit with a bit of your affectionate, medicinal banter. You didn't count on my walls being down. My boundary lines had been washed with the tide of my tears into nothingness and gave rise to my candid reply.

"_I thought the captain was supposed to be given a gift before you were allowed to join the crew?"_

"_Oh…you've been paying attention to my ramblings?"_

"_I think it's safe to say that I pay attention to everything about you. So…where is it? What's my gift?"_

"_You already have it, Shepard."_

"_I do?"_

"_Yes. My heart."_

Your response was simple and elegant, much like you. You tightened your embrace, held me closer to you as if never to let go, and in that moment, I felt cherished, adored, loved. I needed nothing else.

Not long afterward, I joined you and Miranda on a side venture to find her sister Oriana. Upon our first meeting at Freedom's Progress, I thought the Cerberus officer was a cold, calculating harpy. Over the course of some months, I saw her demeanor shift, mellow to an amiable camaraderie. I respected her intelligence, confidence and capabilities, but even after all the time she'd spent on the _Normandy,_ and the changes she'd undergone, one thing remained the same –she was still arrogant. I guess it's true; some things are just bred into your personality.

I acquired a small suit rupture on the mission and while repairing it, I developed a small fever. This was a nagging reminder of the staggering difference between our species. It also brought harsh realities to the surface and acerbated some lingering doubts. You had no idea what life inside my suit was like. I had spent my whole life inside one and the closest thing you could relate to it, were the few hours spent in your armor. I needed to talk to you.

That evening, while lying on your bed, wrapped in each other's arms we spoke of our relationship and the direction we felt it was traveling. I was able to bring to light the doubts plaguing my mind. I revealed that quarians are taught to think of other people. Always. As a quarian, intimacy was a different prospect than for most other species. We couldn't just… The most intimate thing we could do with another quarian was to link our suits' environments. It could be dangerous, but it was also the most sacred act of trust. I wanted that with you. No nerve stimulation programs or half measures –I wanted it to be real. My desire for you and that connection, to feel your skin on mine, grew daily, hourly, minute-by-minute, but no matter how much I wanted it, I could get sick. Jeopardize the mission. Distract you. I didn't want to hurt the mission or you. Both were too important.

My personal desires felt stupid and selfish against the backdrop of our mission. I told you that you deserved to be happy with someone.

That's when you stopped my monologue. You said that in all the time you've known me, I'd never been selfish. Maybe to a fault. You watched as I risked my life to get the data about Saren into the proper hands. You watched me join an all-human, all-Alliance crew, even knowing I would face discrimination. You watched on Freedom's Progress as I sacrificed my own desires in the name of duty. You watched as I stood strong against everything the universe threw at me; you had watched me for so long… You didn't blame me if I was scared, but you reaffirmed that you wanted no one else. You wanted me.

My doubts, suppressed and hideous thoughts flitting through my musings, finally found a comfortable rest.

We both agreed that we wanted our relationship to progress to the next level, and even though it would take some time, we would make sure all precautions were taken. We also agreed that regarding this, the speed of light wasn't fast enough.

You and I knew that a physically intimate moment came with some serious risk factors for both of us. More for me because of my immune system, but my physiology could incite an allergic reaction in you as well. During this time of preparation you were very fond of muttering _fortes fortuna adiuvat_, which you translated as _fortune favors the bold_. I thought of it in simpler terms –the heart wants what it wants and my heart wanted you. Unfiltered. Unabashed. Unequivocally.

In an attempt to make our moment both safe and special, you made some adjustments in your grooming habits, but you also took the initiative regarding your quarters. Your room was still comfortable, still had the essence of you –model ships, armor memorabilia, Prothean relic, sniper-rifle parts strewn about, but you'd made some changes. You had a new air purifying system installed for you quarters, which kept environmental pollutants such as dust, airborne microbes, aerosol particles and chemical vapors at a low level. Much like a clean room. Your showers now included anti-bacterial soaps and exfoliating scrubs. You even talked with Mordin about various anti-inflammatory salves and ointments for both of us. Herbal extracts, vitamin and mineral supplements and immuno-boosters were now a part of your daily regimen as well. We were really in this together.

Was it wrong that I found your efforts cute and endearing? Commander Lakota Shepard, Alliance hero and Savior of the Citadel was attacking safe sex with the same gusto as she would a batarian armada. Who could possibly resist such adorable concern and delightfully bewitching charm?

The next planetary mission took us to Tuchanka for Grunt's rite of passage, his Pilgrimage. Once we landed, we met up with Urdnot Wrex. It was good to see the both of you reconnect. You'd spoken often how Grunt reminded you of a 'baby' Wrex –I kept the knowledge of that affectionate descriptor to myself. As is the krogan way, without formality or ceremony, we visited the clan Shaman. Readily, you agreed to be Grunt's krantt and the satisfied smile gracing your lips revealed your delight. There was something about the krogan way of being that you loved. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you had some krogan blood in you. This idea had special significance when you head-butted Gatatog Uvenk, a clan leader who was protesting Grunt's claim to take the rite. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to laugh or prepare for battle. It turned out that laughing –to myself, was the appropriate action. You certainly had a way with people.

After gathering instructions from the Shaman, we headed out to the sacred grounds. It turned out that the rite was basically a test of combat strength and battle strategy. Why was I not surprised? The first wave of enemies came in the form of wild varren. I used proximity mines to take out small groups and finished off the stragglers with my geth shotgun. Grunt was more direct as he ferociously descended upon them with his Claymore. In close combat, he too, was like an unstoppable force of nature. In contrast, you held your distance, skillfully eliminating them one by one with your sniper rifle, _Hela_.

The second wave involved klixen, a form of fire breathing creature. Once again, your sniper rifle talents kept the tide on our side, taking out or significantly wounding most of the targets from thirty meters and beyond.

The final challenge was a thresher maw. Although I'd seen a few while travelling with you –nine to be exact, I remember every last one of them, thank you very much- it was always in the Mako. Never on foot. Being on the ground, in the presence of one of these monsters, was a deeply intimidating experience. I briefly wondered how you were holding up. To the best of my knowledge, this was the first time since Akuze that you'd been toe to toe with your self-proclaimed nemeses. I needn't have been concerned. While watching you our eyes met, and I saw the fierce, confident soldier who would triumph over all obstacles thrown in her path. In that moment, I was more in awe of you than the creature attacking us. It was acting on instinct alone, but you had instinct, calculated experience and resolute tenacity on your side. A powerful combination that galvanized those following you.

There was little I could do. Even with armor piercing ammo, my pistol was no more than an annoyance to the creature, so I spent most of the time ducking for cover between acid attacks. Grunt had switched to his assault rifle which seemed to have more impact, but not by much. When you saw the maw explode from the ground, you wasted no time changing out your weapon. _Hela_ was expeditiously secured away and the Collector particle beam unveiled. Timing was the key. Your previous encounters with maws gave you insight into their instinctual attack behavior. You ordered Grunt to distract the creature with his assault fire, so the maw responded by spitting acid, and then you rose from cover and let loose with the particle beam. When the maw dove underground, you rolled behind a crumbling stonewall while dodging falling pillar debris. You and Grunt repeated this offensive methodology and whittled away at the maw's health bit by bit.

Thresher maws are mighty leviathans, but they are not intelligent. Reacting instead of responding, they can be defeated if the predator is methodical and patient. You were both of those and more. The strategic attack choreographed between you and Grunt offered the precision and potency to dexterously kill the creature without either of you being injured. Impressive, to say the least. With the fight over, you holstered the Particle Beam and took off your Kuwashii visor. You looked over at me –sweat and dust mingling on your face- and with a devilish gleam in your eye, and a self-satisfied smirk on your lips you proudly proclaimed, "That's an even dozen." You were adorable.

Before we left the grounds, Gatatog Uvenk and his krantt arrived. He had a change of heart and wanted Grunt to join his clan. That didn't go over well with any of us, and the skirmish that followed didn't last long. Afterward, we returned to Wrex's camp, and Grunt became a part of Urdnot clan. I could see from your pleased expression that you were proud of him. As we headed toward the _Normandy's _shuttle, EDI informed us that numerous breeding requests had been received for Grunt and one came in for you. This time, I didn't bother stifling my laugh.

Being able to help another along their Pilgrimage was a rare occurrence, a gift, and I was honored to be a part of Grunt's rite of passage. I was also thankful because I witnessed something unforeseen. While on Tuchanka, I noticed your fighting style had evolved. It was still formidable and imposing, but slightly tempered. You used _Hela_ more often, displaying your deadly skill from distance. Gone was the recklessness I'd seen at Freedom's Progress. I'm not sure what awed me more –your ability to change or the fact that you had. Admittedly, I couldn't help but tie your new attitude to us.

The only other person who may have observed the shift was Miranda because she made note of everything.

There was no momentous occasion, no leering doom or against-all-odds scenario that prompted the _right time_. No. It was far more insidious and simple. It was early morning, before our day started. We were in your cabin –the loft, as you liked to call it- talking about the properties of mass relays and hypothesizing on the keeper's real purpose. During the conversation, you smiled at me, my smile, a smile as beautiful as the dawn and as dominant as the sun. It was in that moment that I knew the time was right. I had a few more personal tasks that had to be done –another round of boosters, antibiotic injections and extracts- but I knew I would return that night and claim my prize.

At the end of the day, I entered your quarters but you knew it was me, so without turning around you commented on the vitamin supplements you were about to swallow.

"_The problem with saving the galaxy: sometimes it's a chore just trying to save yourself."_

I laughed along with you, but that didn't shift my mood. I was bound and determined to make my intent for this night very clear. I slowly walked over to where you stood. Your attention had been drawn to your data pad, so I removed it from your hands. In that moment, my certainty wavered and I fell into a well-known defense mechanism.

"_So… We've researched… We prepared… We've both taken antibiotics and supplements to bolster our immune systems… I even watched a vid. I told you that, right? I meant to tell you. I got distracted by some repairs. I was going to bring music, but I wasn't sure what you were in the mood for… what you'd like… and now… I am babbling like an idiot." _

"_Wait a minute. It sounds like you're suggesting something."_

You flirtation emboldened my intention.

"_What could I possibly be suggesting? I mean, a young woman gets rescued by a beautiful commander and then they go off to save the galaxy? How could she possibly develop any kind of interest?"_

"_Heh… This probably comes as no surprise, but I am quite taken with the young woman you mentioned. But… Are you sure? There's no rush. No pressure." _

"_Shepard, I'm sick of the restrictions. Sick of the boundaries."_

Like something fashioned from a dream, you suddenly took both of my hands in yours and stepped closer so we were face to face. For an instant, my confidence faltered. Keelah, you've always had such a profound effect in me! No matter how sturdy the conviction, the mere presence of you had the power to influence others if you so desired.

"_Shepard, I know we've talked about this. Thought it through. Minimized the risks. But I am still a little nervous. I've never shown my face to anyone. I…" _

You removed my visor.

I looked at you, for the first time, unencumbered by any barrier. No visor skewing my view. No audio filter, olfactory filter, or suit program to regulate my interpretation of you. This time my unfettered senses told their own emancipated tale. I imagine you saw the concern written in my features, but then, any questions or lingering doubts surrounding your attraction –whether you found the face beneath the mask beautiful or not- were washed away by your soulful eyes and actions. You stood statuesque, smiling as if your deep, sea-green orbs were memorizing every nuance of me, and in a show of unadulterated trust you consciously gave up control, letting me lead the way. Your raven-black hair, styled in its trademark ponytail, was bathed starlight –a gift from the sky port that opened to the starry space above. A single dark lock hung to the side outlining your face, and in an act of familiar intimacy, I reached up to gently tuck it behind your ear.

Poised a few centimeters away, I was able to breathe in a part of your delicate scent –the earthy, sweet smell of a plant I learned to identify as sage. Tantalizing in its flirtation, the pleasant aroma teased of a promise yet to be unveiled. As I gradually edged closer, another wistfully light fragrance captivated me –the fresh, rich edge of sandalwood, sensual and spicy in its coquettish waves, but not overpowering. Breathing in your untamed scent was a heady experience of visceral seduction, like being showered in a warm, spring-filled rain. A gift far beyond anything I had imagined.

"_You… the whole of you… you are intoxicating."_

To finalize my pronouncement, I leaned in and tentatively brushed my lips upon yours. I was captivated by their soft supple feel, and enthralled by the tender play of give and take arising between us. A disorienting aura wrapped around me, both lulling and exciting as I fell into the deliciously-laced cinnamon taste of you. Your hands captured my waist and pulled me closer, which fanned the heat pervading through my body to almost unbearable levels. My legs lost their strength when your lips parted and I felt your silken tongue making contact, eliciting an unexpected moan from me. Keelah, the things you made me feel!

Our bodies stayed motionless, your hands fixated on my hips, and mine rested lightly on your arms. The only movement between us focused around the succulent ministrations bequeathed between our inquisitive mouths. An erotic play began amidst our supple, warm lips and moist tongues weaving themselves together in a tantalizing slow dance that felt like summer and savored of ambrosia. Each subtle move roused my yearning, each satiny caress teased my craving, and each shallow moan pulled me closer toward the breathtaking rise of sensual oblivion.

Overwhelmed by a needful ache, my heart and breath raced out of control, threatening to bring about my untimely demise. Abruptly, I pulled away from you, yet remained a fingerbreadth apart. I needed a moment to find my bearings, but the faint trace of your hot breath upon my cheek stirred my blood, drawing me back to you. Drunk in the heady pleasure of luring and being lured, I returned and captured your lips in a wanton, demanding kiss. Like tides being swooned by the moon's ardent pull, it felt as though we were both swallowed in the waves of slowly rising desire.

My suit and your clothes had to go.

We took our time luxuriating in the nuances and intrigue of this foreplay. You helped remove my suit, piece by piece and I helped remove your clothing, piece by piece. Interwoven in the leisurely act was an impression of a ritual honoring each of us –born of respect, bound in trust- as though we were swearing fealty with the removal of each item. In some way, we were worshiping each other.

As each part of my suit was removed, more of my skin was exposed to the cool, filtered air of the dimly lit room. I wondered if you felt the same icy tingle upon your flesh as I helped take off your shirt. I stole glances at you throughout the process, but I stayed silent for fear that my nervousness might overwhelm the moment. By the time my suit and your clothes were completely removed, I no longer noticed the cool air. I was mesmerized by you and everything else receded to the periphery of my existence.

My breath caught as I took in the magnificence of your strong exquisite figure. Your honey-toned skin enveloped a svelte frame graced with well-toned, lissome muscles. The grey-blue hues illuminating the room added a bewitching aura to the already divine, naked elegance that stood before me. The mere sight of you produced an agonizing desire that burned through my body like a blast from a suddenly opened furnace. Stepping closer, so we were toe to toe, I placed a sensuous, lustful salutation upon your lips.

Draping both hands around my midriff, you pressed upon me –our lips still immersed, and I felt the silken warmth of skin on skin contact. Discovering your soft, smooth skin along with its blazing heat was magical, and considering your strength, it surprised me with its satin fluidity and pliability. I was enthralled by its feel and also the way in which you reacted beneath my inquisitive caresses. My hand, while lithely exploring your back and shoulders, elicited a low moan, like a purr, and I found myself seduced by your reaction but also by the power I had to provoke such a response from you. As I basked in the sensational nuances, your right hand snaked around my head, drew me further into a seductive, soul-tempting kiss. Our heated lips parted and inquisitive tongues met in an unhurried, but provocative dance of blissful entanglement.

When I pulled away, I saw the feral, wanton look in your eyes, and then your mouth was upon mine again. In an instant, passion-filled floodgates matching your intensity broke within me, and a carnal growl rose from my throat. Never had I been so dominated and full of need for another. My desire rose quickly consuming all other thought and moved me into action. Decisively, I pushed you onto the bed and descended upon you in a maelstrom of ardent kisses and fervent caresses.

Bewitched by the all-consuming sensations; I melted my lustful, hungry form further into you, giving way to an intuitively choreographed exchange of energy. Our bodies, driven by a fierce, needful ache, moved together in a primal union born of longing and insatiable desire. Your intrepid fingers skillfully kneaded sensual zones and lit fire to thousands of throbbing, electrified nerve endings throughout my body. Acting as an aphrodisiac, these sensory wildfires tingled across sensitized skin and spiraled together into a blissful, passionate tempest which threatened to engulf me in a visceral delirium.

I abruptly pulled my lips from yours; I had to catch my runaway breath. I lifted myself up, forearms braced on the bed, fully straddling you while your fingertips continued to etch their journey across my skin. You too, had momentarily tempered your hunger and regulated yourself to tracing a leisurely, nondescript path over my body. You understood the newness of this situation for me, understood that my senses were being overloaded and that I needed a moment to regain my bearings. As I looked into your half-lidded, deep green eyes, and saw the shortness of your breath, I realized I wasn't the only one who was overwhelmed.

We rolled our entwined form so I was beneath you and your legs straddled me. Your pale green orbs sparkled in the starlight as you leaned in to place a sweet, but chaste kiss upon my cheek. When you pulled away the smile meant only for me shyly graced your lips and you spoke in a hushed tone.

"_I love you."_

I was frozen in place. Panic, swift and severe, cut through me like ice water.

"_You don't… Don't say that. Not if you don't mean it."_

"_Tali, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it. I've never said it to anyone before."_

"_Shepard…"_

You quieted my words by kissing me deeply, unhurriedly holding the moment as if by will alone. A pleasant agony tingled down my spine as your curious mouth adeptly explored my body, leaving traces of erotic magic on its tactile voyage. You leaned in, placing your soft, supple lips upon my ear, your warm breath heightening my senses and in provocative undertones murmured the words –_I love you_- once again. This time that dulcet admission deliciously reverberated through my being and I instinctively bit down on your shoulder as my body arched in a languishing need for further contact.

Invaded by an overpowering, salacious longing, my fingertips intrepidly mapped the hills and valleys of your naked form seeking to beckon the same lascivious turmoil you haphazardly corralled in me. In a fit of desire, I forcefully rolled you on your back. My head bent down nuzzling into your neck and once again breathed in your scent of sandalwood laced with a hint of sage. I was smitten with this surprising sensual aspect of you. The unmistakable fragrance carried sumptuous, alluring promises and ignited a desire so primal that it invoked yet another low growl from me. I wanted to exhaustively devour you, so I proceeded to nibble and bite, tasting the salty sweetness of your skin. My lips left a trail of lingering kisses across your collarbone and ending at the left shoulder. Continuing my sensuous exploration, I nibbled a return path towards your jaw line, noting each low moan and sharp intake of breath from you along the way.

Each touch of skin upon skin provoked our mutual swelling fervor. Each caress of hands and fingers added a new fire to our impassioned tempest. Each moan signaled a step further to the edge of the magnificent abyss. The delightful pressure and heat emanating from your body mixed with the exotic scents and flavors of your being conjuring themselves into a quickly rising sensual storm. Breathing became more labored until panting was all that remained. Until coherent thought was all but left behind and we had passed the hallowed point of no return. Our intimate dance of licentious arousal persisted in a volcanic torment until I had the sensation that we merged imperceptibly into one another like the hues of a prism spiraling blissfully toward a rapturous climax.

We found that zenith of sensual abandon many times that night. Comprised of paradoxical elements –a comical adventure, a frenzied storm, a blissful crescendo- our ardent passion was all-consuming until our needs were satiated and exhausted, and eventually they faded like shapes breathed on a mirror.

In the aftermath of our amorous union, we lazed sleepily together on the bed, nestled in each other arms. The heat radiating from your skin combined with the thin blanket was enough to keep me tranquil and warm. With my head resting on your chest, listening to the hypnotic rhythm of your heartbeat, I attempted to memorize every eclectic nuance of you. I knew the serene moment wasn't going to last and since I had no suit to record the details, I had to rely solely on my impressions, my own cherished recollections.

I've watched solar flares flicker upon the backdrop of dark, starry space, witnessed the raw luminance of an exploding supernova, but you lying naked with starlight illuminating your soft form, bathing you in a divine aura –you were the most beautiful image I'd ever seen. You were like a moonbeam sparkling across the crests of ocean waves –ethereal in essence, beautiful in its fluidity of movement. Still wrapped within your soothing embrace, I leaned in and nuzzled you neck, drinking in your scent as if it was my lifeblood. Softly, I whispered three heartfelt words: _I love you_. In response, your arms tightened around me, holding me near, enveloping me in lingering depths of enraptured adoration.

I felt safe. I felt loved. I felt as though I'd found home.

The universe we created that night, bound in the infinite and beautiful, was woven into the sweetest memories and unforgettable images of my existence. Like a wandering star, I fell through the depths of desire and never returned.


	5. Tali

**Chapter 5: Tali**

My name is Tali.

Not Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. Not Tali'Zorah vas Neema. Not Tali'Zorah vas Normandy.

In the Flotilla, I will always be known as Tali'Zorah. This is as much formality as informality, but to you, Shepard, I have always been Tali. Just Tali. You see me without the need for titles, without pretention, without a legacy to live up to. I am part of the Flotilla, this fact is irrefutable, but after the disastrous mission on Haestrom, the concocted mockery of my trial, and then discovering that I was supposed to be the martyr for the Admiralty Board's various political agendas, I feel betrayed. I am angry and disillusioned with the leaders of the Migrant Fleet and feel displaced from the quarian people. In this moment, I wish things to be simpler. I need life to be less complicated and structured, so I can catch my breath and find my bearings.

In this moment, I just want to be called Tali.

Being with you helps temper my frustration and sense of unrest. As complicated as our relationship may seem to some, there is an effortlessness that exists within our communication that rivals all others. An ease of being that harmonizes me and fosters my centeredness. When you and I are alone, I am truly at peace. Well, unless we are involved in activities that promote our mutual physical unrest. Those moments are delightfully provoking.

All things considered, the physical repercussions of our first night together were trivial compared to the various worst case scenarios that I had imagined. Our diligent preparations thwarted what could have manifested into some serious medical ailments. Instead, I ran a small fever, had a nasty cough and for a few days my sinuses were filled with something that I could not nor wished to describe, but it was totally worth it and I told you as much. A round of meds issued by Mordin and my continued cocktail of immuno-boosters, herbal extracts and vitamin supplements helped my body fully recover within a week. Admittedly, I was happily surprised by the quick recovery time. This only spurred my desire for more amorous encounters, but for safety's sake, the suit stayed on during those following adventures. Your spirited playfulness and open-minded attitude combined with stim programs and my engineering ingenuity made for some vigorous and thorough explorations of sensory boundaries.

In all of this, I was unable to do without two things from you; I was spellbound by your warm, supple lips and the smooth softness of your cheeks. I needed to feel them upon me daily. The feeling couldn't be simulated; it had to be real. In the controlled environment of your room, I would allow for this one breach of safety. Whether we were lying entangled on the bed, sitting next to each other on the couch or getting ready to leave the refuge of your room, I would remove my visor so I could bask in your presence unhampered by any boundaries. I would drink in the sight of you as if seeing you for the first time and attempt to memorize every contour, every nuance of your face. I would kiss you deeply, unhurriedly reveling in the pleasurable softness of your lips. Then I would rest my cheek upon yours, feel the supple warmth of your flesh and breathe you in. Your scent, your essence, your being. Every time, without exception, a peaceful serenity filled the moment.

I have a better understanding of how and why people become addicted - you are like an aphrodisiacal drug to me. Mentally captivating, emotionally intoxicating, and physically enthralling all woven together in the framework of you. Add to that unconditional love and unparalleled trust and you have a powerful concoction.

There was only one thing I regretted about that first night…morning…experience… that enthralling journey of sensual exploration and self-discovery… It was something that could never be undone; it could never be unlearned or forgotten…

You knew, when nervous, that I bit my lower lip. Now you constantly called me on it.

"_You're biting your lower lip, aren't you?"_

"_What? No. Why would you… No."_

"_You ARE!"_

"_Shut up…"_

Dammit. You always knew how to get under my suit. How did you _always_ know?

Not long after, the Illusive Man made a rare appearance and informed you that a Collector ship had been found floating adrift in space. According to the facts given, a turian patrol had damaged it. You were skeptical, but agreed that it was too good of an opportunity to pass up and immediately set a course to investigate the unique find. From it, you hoped to discover how to use the Omega-4 Relay without annihilating the _Normandy_ in the process. When we arrived upon the drifting mass, EDI assessed that it was the same vessel which attacked the colony on Horizon. This happenstance put everyone on edge.

Because of the potential technological hurdles, I was brought along. Because of the potential trap, you brought Jack along. We weren't exactly on a friendly level, but I didn't take it personally –Jack didn't get along with anyone other than you. Ever since you helped her blow up the Cerberus facility on Teltin, her attitude toward you had softened. Barely, but it was noticeable to me. The bit of closure you helped her obtain was rewarded with a tentative trust, though I doubt she would have admitted it. She was more likely to hail obscenities at the first hint of such a scandalous accusation. Nobody would dare deny her impressive raw biotic ferocity though. In fact, I think it was equaled only by her course language. She's the only person I've met that matched and maybe surpassed your battlefield intensity, too bad she wasn't emotionally stable.

As we made our way through the strangely deserted ship, an eerie, palpable silence fell upon us like something fashioned from a dream. Our own footsteps echoed unnaturally through the interior heightening our combined wariness. Add to that the startling discoveries we made and our situation shifted into something molded from a nightmare. First, we found evidence of human genetic testing. Apparently, the Collector's were comparing their species against human DNA. Then EDI uncovered that the Collectors and Protheans were one and the same. All of this time after Ilos and we finally knew what they look like. The next unsettling revelation in this series of unending macabre moments occurred when Joker informed us that this also was the same Collector ship that had attacked the _SSV Normandy SR-1. _The coincidence didn't sit well with any of us.

That's when we stumbled upon the most surreal and disturbing scene of my life –a massive open area of the ship, which held an unimaginable number of stasis pods. Even if the Collectors harvested every human in the Terminus Systems, they still wouldn't be able to fill them all- there were just too many. The only logical conclusion was horrifying: the Collector's true target was Earth.

While attempting to download more information, EDI set up a communications link with the enemy vessel, and then as you humans say, all hell broke loose. The trap was sprung, and the _Normandy_ was attacked with a power flux. Fortunately, EDI was able to divert it to non-critical systems. That's when the Collector ship came alive and the platform we were on unexpectedly sailed toward an unknown destination. We were helpless to stop it. A few seconds on the unguided metal fragment seemed like years, but EDI was finally able to reestablish a connection and halt the flying platform.

From there we had an arduous battle on our hands.

Collector Scions, Drones and Guardians assailed us from all sides while we took cover upon the platform. You had discovered a new sniper rifle –the M98 Widow Antimatter Rifle- while we scavenged the ship and took this chance to test its capabilities. She didn't disappoint you. Jack assaulted the enemy alternately with her biotics and, if they got too close, her shotgun. Her shockwave ability was destructive boarding on lethal –like a tram barreling menacingly down the track, effortlessly swatting everything aside in a long path. While wielding my own shotgun, I sent Chiktikka vas Paus –my combat drone- into the fray. She drew their attention while you deftly and methodically flailed our enemies one by one with your sniper rifle finesse.

As we continued to fight our way through the falsely abandoned ship, EDI revealed yet another piece of disturbing information. We were betrayed. The distress signal originating from the Collector ship contained an error that clearly identified it as a non-turian signal. It wasn't possible that the Illusive Man would have been fooled by it, since it –EDI- discovered the error using Cerberus detection protocols –which he wrote. The lying bosh'tet knowingly sent us into a trap!

EDI plotted an escape route through the Collector ship to the _Normandy_ shuttle opening locked doors for us along the way. There were only two problems: Harbinger showed itself throughout the passage and husks spawned continuously. However, between your powerful new sniper rifle, my drone's proficiency at distracting our foes, and Jack's biotic ability, we had the upper hand. It was a challenging flight to freedom, but you –teeming with the headlong zest of a hunter for the game, tenaciously directed our combined might with your effective, unyielding leadership and we made a steadfast getaway.

Once we were back on the ship, you were immediately taken into a conversation with the Illusive Man. Knowing you wouldn't want to speak of this exchange in front of others, I went to your cabin –our space, and waited. When you entered the room, I could tell you were infuriated. Livid. You relayed that the Illusive Man knowingly sent us into a trap, and then he had the gall to ask that you convey his apologies to the crew.

Did he think you'd forgotten his other betrayals? Even in the short time you'd dealt with him, his duplicity was legendary. He deliberately leaked information to the Alliance about your Cerberus crafted resurrection and then setup the Horizon colonists, and Kaidan, as bait for the Collectors. The Cerberus funded Project: Overlord spat out death and moral decay. Only with the help of Dr. Chakwas and myself, were you able to safely remove David from the geth neural network and take him to the Jon Grissom Academy. Then there was the long history of depravity and malfeasance conducted for the sake of humanity: the trial and error done upon Rachni, the husk experiments, the thresher maw tests on Akuze, the thorian creeper experiments, and the biotic research done on innocent human children. Over and over again the atrocities committed under this group's name led to monstrous conclusions, and each time, the Illusive Man fed apologies and claimed ignorance. For a rogue agency, Cerberus seemed to have a lot of rogue cells of their own. Does he really think people are that stupid?

My outrage on the subject matched your fury.

On the flip side, we did gain valuable intelligence. We managed to uncover information on how the Collectors survived the passage through the Omega-4 Relay- an advanced form of an Identify Friend/Foe device, or IFF.

What really sparked my curiosity was what came next: Cerberus was able to locate a derelict Reaper in the Thorne system of the Hawking Eta Cluster. It was in orbit of a brown dwarf, Mnemosyne and apparently, the vessel's mass effect fields kept it aloft and safe. This seemed like another tidy coincidence to me. Also, the Illusive Man had already dispatched a team to study it. Unbelievable. I couldn't hide my astonishment at the preposterous notion that sending organic beings to a Reaper ship was somehow a good idea. It also proved my theory true: artificial intelligence was no match for natural human stupidity. Nevertheless, we couldn't pass on the opportunity in front of us. We needed that IFF.

There was one other thing you were withholding. Something you were hesitant to talk about, but I could see it playing along the lines and shadows of your face. I could see the turbulence within your eyes like dark clouds thundering over deep green seas, so I asked you about it. You walked over to me, took my hands in yours and spoke of the end goal –traveling through the Omega-4 Relay. You said it would likely be a one way trip, a suicide mission. You confessed that you were torn. Part of you wanted me to leave, to go back to the Flotilla and be safe, but the other part wanted me near you. You felt you were being selfish to desire such a thing from me. That's when I reminded you that this was my choice and I wasn't going to leave your side. No matter what we faced, you would find me standing beside you, staring down the void itself if need be. I removed my visor and my lips captured yours in a needful, crushing kiss. For the rest of the night, I let my actions be the voice of my intentions.

The following day, you updated the crew and we headed toward the dead Reaper to get its IFF transponder. When we arrived at the location you chose your team: Grunt and Jack. You were counting on their combined raw physical and untamed biotic power to subdue anything that crossed your path. You also took your newly acquired sniper rifle, which you had affectionately named Santa Muerte. You told me it meant holy death, but that wasn't the only name you'd given her. While cleaning her that morning you whispered her secret name, Dama de las Sombras – Lady of the Shadows. Although each one of your sniper rifles referenced some mythological figure or image of death, I still found the fact that you named every one of them utterly adorable. Blinded by love, indeed.

Once you and your team boarded the forsaken ship, the kinetic barriers engaged, trapping you in its confines. EDI informed us all that the Reaper's mass effect core needed to be destroyed before we could retrieve you. However, destroying the core would also plunge the ship into the brown dwarf. That knowledge put me on edge.

I was in the pilot bay with Joker and EDI, pacing as I monitored the tactical audio. It didn't take long for Kasumi to intervene. She convinced me of going to wait in her hideaway, the Port Observation Lounge, so I would stop pestering the pilot and ship's AI for status updates. After all, she reasoned, I could just as easily listen to the mission updates from her room. Kasumi was a godsend. As the most enigmatic thief in the business, I wasn't sure why she stayed on to help with our quest against the Collectors. I wasn't complaining, but money can only take you so far. When I asked her about it, all she would say was that she owed a debt to you. I knew about Keiji's greybox; you'd destroyed it for her. I've no idea what Alliance secrets disappeared with it, but like you, I didn't care. The box of memories would have kept her tied to a past with no future.

I appreciated Kasumi's intentions, but the minutes spent in her room crawled by like years and eventually, I left. I needed to walk off the anxiety and trepidation that amassed while marking time before your return. I carried a brooding silence with me as I roamed aimlessly through the _Normandy. _In an almost bizarre way, I found myself close to the very place I started. This time though, I was in front of the Starboard Observation Room –Samara's quarters. I'm not sure how I got there or why I decided to ask to speak with her. I did, though.

We didn't talk much. In contrast to Kasumi, she seemed to sense my need for reticent companionship. As I looked upon that starry expanse of space, my mind wandered through capricious ponderings of the Justicar standing next to me. Samara was an impressive individual by anyone's standards. She had a presence of being that matched yours, but where you exuded passion, she was tempered by a regal serenity. Bound within your turbulent jade hued eyes was an unbridled force of nature, whereas the depths of her blue ones seemed to hold something that was cold and hard as metal. I imagined her reserved demeanor had more to do with the years spent as a Justicar hunting her daughter than an actual reflection of the asari woman. Undoubtedly, it had been difficult for her to request your assistance in capturing and ultimately killing Morinth. Although Samara's resolve had been unbending, I can't imagine the internal strife such an action would generate. Kasumi believed that the Justicar could not have ended the conflict without your aid. Maybe that's why I also saw an immeasurable sadness when I met her eyes.

During her time on the _Normandy,_ Samara had only lowered her defenses and revealed herself to you. Beyond her Oath of Subsumation, she pledged her friendship and loyalty to you. An asari Justicar had your back and swore to come to your side if you ever needed aid. A great honor to be given and I'm not sure if I even comprehended the depth of that oath. I had a feeling that it fell outside the Justicar code. Not by much. Just enough though.

Upon hearing that you had made it back safely to the _Normandy_ shuttle and were en route back to the ship, I moved to leave. Before I was out the door, Samara expressed some parting words. "Be open to the possibilities for growth the universe is providing. Do not ignore your feelings because that does not fit in with your path." I wondered if they were truly meant for me or if she was reminding herself of something.

Finally, you returned. You had obtained the IFF, _killed_ the Reaper, and managed to bring an unexpected surprise: a fully intact, but disabled geth. Because of my experience and knowledge with their kind, I was present for the debriefing. Jacob and Miranda debated on what to do with the recovered geth while you watched on, arms crossed, in stoic silence. Jacob was in favor of tossing it out the airlock. Miranda wanted to give it to Cerberus. I was horrified when I heard they had stored it in EDI's AI Core. Why would anyone stow a geth –an adaptable, invasive, multi-layered program capable of infiltrating and seizing control of any computer system, in the AI Core? The one place where it could wreak the most havoc. Leaving the _Normandy_'s AI with that insidious thing so close was like sitting down to drink at a bar with Sovereign and his indoctrination! Unbelievable! What was more unbelievable was when you told me what you intended to do with it…

"_You're going to do WHAT?"_

"_Tali, calm down."_

"_Don't tell me to calm down! You're going to activate that…that geth…and you expect me to be calm? Have you lost your mind? Have you forgotten what the geth have done? What they are capable of doing?"_

"_No, of course not. But we need –I need answers. Answers that will only be given if we activate the unit."_

"_Keelah, Shepard. This is madness."_

"_Tali, please. I need your help. You may not agree with my decision, but I need your help, your knowledge, in order to take every precaution and safeguard."_

A blind rage, like fire, swept over me consuming my patience and I verbally lashed out.

"_Since you're so fond of AI's, have EDI help you!"_

"_I don't trust EDI like I trust you!" _

Just as quickly as my rage ignited, so it was soothed by your words, your earnestness. I took in a long, deep calming breath in an attempt to dampen the fury that still boiled within.

"_Tali, I'm not going to move from this spot until you give me an answer."_

"_Fine. I'll help. But this is stupid. It's risky and foolish… and it's a mistake, Shepard!" _

For you, I set aside my dissidence and erected the various containments, signal dampeners and firewall protocols to keep the unit properly isolated. I left nothing to chance. When I had finished, I left the room. My nerves were on edge, so I wandered restlessly through the _Normandy_ like a prowling animal. My shotgun, loaded with armor piercing ammo, was holstered at my hip and a plasma torch was in hand. I occupied my mind by running through the seven different ways I knew that would quickly and efficiently disable a geth drone, and then I thought of two more. Eventually, I found myself methodically pacing in front of the med lab doors, waiting for any indication that something had gone horribly wrong. Waiting for any excuse to burst through those doors and be by your side.

As fate would have it, activating the geth went smoothly. It, ironically named Legion by the ship's AI, created more questions than answers though. Why was it wearing a piece of your N7 armor? Why was it operating alone? Why was it interested in you? There was a lot we didn't know and a lot it wasn't saying.

The only relevant bit of information that came from its activation was regarding the geth's societal structure. Apparently, there were two kinds of geth. The bosh'tets that aligned with Sovereign and the others – a majority who still resided and who evidently never left Rannoch the quarian home world.

One other thing bothered me – I didn't like that it referred to me as a Creator. It was a burden I didn't want to be shackled with. Not only did it remind me of my ancestor's attempt to absolve their responsibilities by eradicating their creation instead of seeking to understand it; it also reminded me how close to the precipice the quarian race once again stood.

It didn't take long before the Illusive Man sent you a message. Surprisingly, he trusted your decision to active the geth and also included the necessary protocols for EDI to integrate the IFF into the _Normandy's_ systems. With some time for installation and a lot of luck, this would get us through the Omega-4 Relay without being obliterated.

Proving your idiom –when it rains, it pours- to be true, later that day, Kelly mentioned that Thane desired to speak with you. When you checked on him, he told you of his concerns regarding his only remaining family –his estranged son, Kolyat. Motivated by his own mortality, Thane had delved into his son's current whereabouts and activities only to discover that he was attempting to follow in his father's footsteps –Kolyat had taken a contract as an assassin. We wasted no time and immediately traveled to the Citadel. With the help of Captain Bailey, you were able to dissuade Kolyat from journeying down the same bleak road Thane wandered. Then you pulled some strings with Bailey and kept Kolyat from seeing any time inside a cell –a fact that earned you Thane's loyalty and esteemed admiration.

For some reason, Thane reminded me of Ashley Williams. Perhaps it was his poetic nature. Or more likely it was the knowledge of his impending tragic outcome, because even if we survived the quest against the Collectors, he would eventually succumb to his disease.

After the events on the Citadel, Thane's demeanor shifted. Maybe it was because of his health issues or maybe it was because of his newfound connection with his son. Regardless, Thane seemed to be reaching out for something more and you encouraged him to make connections with other members of the crew. His appreciation of your friendship was noticeable and his respect for you was emulated when he called you "Siha". He didn't tell you what it meant, but I researched and discovered it referred to one of the warrior angels of the goddess Arashu –fierce in wrath, a tenacious protector. Yes, that summed you up very well.

Not long after, Legion learned that the geth heretics, the ones that sided with Sovereign, had adapted a Reaper virus which, when uploaded, would compel the normal geth to join them in their war against organic life. The threat of this was enough to veer us from the Collector mission and head directly to the Heretic Station, an old quarian space station now under geth control. You, Miranda and Legion boarded the ship, at which point Legion informed you another option. Instead of destroying the station, you could rewrite the hostile heretics to peacefully rejoin the geth. The three of you battled your way to the core of the ship and were able to delete the virus. At that point, it was time to decide what to do. You asked Legion, but he left the decision up to you under the reasoning that you'd fought the heretic geth in the past. You chose to rewrite them.

It's probably best that I wasn't there because I would have advocated terminating them. I realize I have a personal bias, but I would have annihilated the heretics nonetheless. I understood the logic and your actions may have increased potential allies, but to me, rewriting them was akin to Sovereign's indoctrination. The difference was that the geth rewrite was more immediate and effectual manipulation which only added to its vile nature.

Once you arrived back on the _Normandy_, I detected a rogue program scanning my omni tool. In two minutes, I eradicated the program, shutdown all outgoing transmissions from the _Normandy _and then was in the AI Core, aiming my shotgun at Legion. Three seconds later, you ran into the room and I yelled that Legion tried to send classified information about the Migrant Fleet to the geth. Legion stated that it knew the quarians had performed weapons tests on geth and that it was trying to protect its people from a possible attack. You stepped between us arguing that if the quarians had been experimenting on humans, you would have told the Alliance. You also stated that if the geth found out, they would attack and that would leave everyone vulnerable to the Reapers. Legion agreed not to transmit my data for the sake of, what it called "unit cohesion." For my part, I wasn't proud of the quarian's actions – my father's actions- and understood Legion's intention, so I volunteered some non-classified data to transmit.

I couldn't condemn Legion for its motivations to protect its people, because it was the very same motivation that had prompted my silence about my father's actions on the _Alarei._

Over the next few days, a pale sense of foreboding shrouded the ship, as though we all felt the moment of no return upon us. I spent most of my time assisting Gabby and Ken, amidst EDI's injected specifications, with the integration of the IFF device while you made sure the final ship upgrades were properly concluded and the crew's moral was quietly nurtured. In those sparse moments we stole for ourselves, we maintained an easy demeanor and held to our soothing routine as much as we could. The nebulous path before us was infused with so many unknown factors that our routine served as a calming balm, a counterbalance, to the gremlins of doubt that lurked in the shadows of my mind.

Right before activating the Reaper IFF, we left in the shuttle together with the rest of the team as EDI required most systems be shut down to test the new device. When the tests began, the deception was revealed and a Collector cruiser attacked the _Normandy SR-2_. The cruiser was able to dock with the _Normandy _due to a Reaper virus imbedded within the IFF which had corrupted the systems aboard and had been transmitting the _Normandy's_ location to the Collectors. While the crew was being abducted Joker made his way to the AI room, manually released EDI's control lock and linked it to all the ship's functions. The AI navigated the _Normandy_ to safety while purging all intruders out of the airlocks, but not before they had absconded away with the _Normandy_ crew. With the exception of Joker, only a ghost ship remained.

While en route back to the Normandy, my nerves and thoughts were drawn taut. Not only was I concerned about the fate of the crew, but also immeasurably disturbed by what we had just unleashed. The ship's AI was now free and only time would tell what havoc it would create. It reminded me of the tale you once told about the Greek artifact which contained all the evils of the world –Pandora's Box. After a valiant effort, I set aside my apprehension and focused on the immediate dilemma –the loss of the Normandy crew. I vowed to keep a watchful eye on the ship's unshackled AI though.

By the time we returned to the ship, you steeled yourself to the next course of action: travel through the Omega-4 relay and rescue the crew. Joker navigated us through the relay and the space on the other side opened to a macabre landscape of metal wreckage –a somber testament to all who has tried using the relay without an IFF. While I looked on the gruesome landscape, a palpable, hushed silence fell around us, as though we walked amidst the graves of our ancestors –eerie in its form, sending icy shards up your spine and making your feet feel as lead.

Joker, employing some masterful flying maneuvers, successfully piloted the _Normandy_ through the debris field that followed despite the fact that the ship was being attacked and taking on damage, including several hull breaches. The upgrades to the ship's armor, weapons and shielding allowed us to easily dispatch a Collector cruiser, but because of a system overload we crash landed on the Collector base hull. EDI immediately started upon repairs and the team gathered to formulate a strategy to rescue the _Normandy_ crew.

We divided into three teams.

You led the first squad, a small, three person strike team. Garbed in your crimson, kestrel armor and with your trusty sniper rifle _Santa Muerte_ in hand, you chose Jack and Grunt to follow you.

The second team, a diversion group, was led by Miranda and included the rest of your ragtag squad with the exception of me.

I was the solitary member of the third team. It was my responsibility to infiltrate the ship via the station's vents, bypass the defenses and doors, and then open the central gate for everyone else. I was grateful for the focused task and relieved that you weren't trying to coddle me or insulate me from harm. I was the most competent and qualified choice for the undertaking and I loved you even more for allowing me the opportunity to excel at what I do best.

Despite being mentally prepared, as I entered the vent, a sudden sense of fear ran through me like the chill of an icy wind and I rapidly attempted to assess the surrounding, hostile environment. I thanked the ancestors that I wasn't claustrophobic. The first thing I noticed was the heat. Even through my environmental suit, I sensed the buildup of thermal energy. I moved quickly along the tunnel until I reached an unexpected obstruction –an exhaust valve blocked my way. As the heat rose exponentially, I immediately radioed you. You needed to open the valves as I travelled within the tunnel or I would burn from the thermal buildup.

I could hear the battle raging over the comm link and knew you had to fight your way past several Collector squads, while pressing forward to activate the different valve consoles. I imagined you switching on your nano-electrical cloak, hurdling over barricades while quickly making your way down narrow, lowly illuminated corridors. I never had to wait long. Each time I told you my path was blocked, a moment later the hatch would open. I continued to travel through the tunnel, bypassing the defenses and doors along the way, so I could get to and open the central gates.

If I didn't open those gates, you were dead. If you didn't open those valves, I would be dead. Our trust and dependence in each other's abilities had never been put to such a grievous challenge –one saturated in complications.

Not once did my faith in you falter.

I made it to the central gates and was able to open the doors for the diversion team who charged in a moment later. Under fire, they held their ground while I opened the door to let in your squad. Once you were in, I attempted to close the door again, but as they started to shut I felt a searing pain slice across shoulder and was jarred to the floor. I had been shot. With Mordin's help I was able to seal off the suit rupture and apply a quick field dressing. The shot only grazed me, so the greatest danger was my exposure to the open air. Well, that and the Collectors who were trying to kill us.

You'd rushed over immediately, but seeing that it was only a flesh wound and that Mordin would be more efficient in aiding me, you turned your attention to the room we were in. It was lined with stasis pods. I watched as you walked around, wiped off the condensation from a pod and stepped back in horror when you realized someone –a human- was contained within. It wasn't anyone I recognized, so I assumed it was a colonist from Horizon. As you examined the pod trying to decipher a way of freeing her, the colonist stirred, screamed and then a moment later she was brutally liquefied. Just like that. Disintegrated into a gelatin-like mush. It was an abominable scene to witness.

Without a moment's hesitation you directed the squad to open the remaining pods and found they held the _Normandy_ crew. Urgency and dread fueled everyone's actions as we all tore apart the remainder of those pods. I prayed to the ancestors and felt like I was heard because, thankfully, the whole crew was saved. Dr. Chakwas was visibly shaken but eternally grateful and explained that the Collectors were processing humans into a gray paste of genetic material. For some unknown reason, they were sending this human conglomeration into tubes and routing it to another part of the station. It didn't take long to figure out that the tubes had to be followed in order to discover the objective, but EDI presented another formidable obstacle: the only route had too many seeker swarms for Mordin's countermeasures to work.

I don't remember who proposed the biotic field that would allow a small squad to get past the swarms because my thoughts had jumped a light year ahead. I knew the _Normandy_ wouldn't be able to pick the rescued crew up and that you would send them back on foot. Because of my suit rupture, I knew you would send me back with them, as well. My mind went blank as lingering numbness started to seep within the very fiber of my being like shadows creeping across the landscape with the setting sun. Keelah! This was it. This was the moment where our paths diverged. If my damnable suit hadn't been breached…

I wanted to scream. This was not how our journey was supposed to end! Your difficulties were my difficulties. I was supposed to help bear your burdens. I was supposed to travel with you through the void and help you arrive safely on the side. My body shook with rage as bitterness flooded through my being like a rising tempestuous tide.

For the sake of the mission and in an attempt not to distract you, I swallowed my anger and frustration without saying a word.

Once again, we divided into three teams. Mordin and I led the crew back to the _Normandy_, Samara provided the biotic field protection from the seeker swarms for you, Grunt and Jack as you followed the pipes in order to uncover their mystery, and the rest of the squad, led by Miranda, provided diversionary measures.

Before separating, you turned to me and our gazes locked in a surreal moment bound within the follies of the finite and infinite. Amid that exalted space, I was flooded with the sense of you. I was soothed by the knowledge that between you and me nothing had been left unsaid. Nothing had been left undone. I had no regrets. As you shifted your stance, green eyes ablaze, your expression proceeded to change with the rapidity of a kaleidoscope. It shifted from no-nonsense determination, to concern, and finally, to earnest adoration. Your eyes were as bright as blazing stars and your smile –my smile- filled the silence like a secret loving whisper bestowed upon my ears alone.

That moment we shared was an unexpected gift.

Mordin and I headed down the thermal tunnels leading the _Normandy _crew through the unencumbered passageway and back to the ship. He took point and I surveyed the rear. In spite of the large group, we were able to make good time and even if the Collectors had detected our movement, your infiltration into the base and the distraction squad's efforts kept the indoctrinated Protheans far from us.

As you followed the path of the mysterious tubes, Samara was able to keep the seeker swarms at by while you and your strike team took out any enemies that crossed your path. You made your way through the ship, continuing to negotiate over barricades and down corridors, until your squad entered upon a large open area. With a monumental effort, Samara was able to repel a colossal number of the swarms, allowing the four of you to make to the next antechamber which was free of the paralysis-inducing, bug-like droids. As soon as your team and the fire squad were able to regroup, Joker sounded over the comm, updating you on our status within the tunnel and then reporting that the Collectors were massing outside your defenses.

For the next round, you took Legion and Jack with you and directed the others to hold the line. You made your way through the masses of husks, Collectors and Scion to the ship's platform core and the abominable purpose of the tubes was revealed. The Collectors were constructing a Reaper from the genetic material harvested from the captured human colonists. You had to destroy it before it could be awoken.

First, you shot down the four feeding tubes which caused the Reaper larvae to fall into the chasm below, but then the monstrosity activated and attacked. While you and your team battled the abomination, Mordin, the crew and I arrived safely on the _Normandy_ and listened to the rest of the confrontation. What had been an ongoing assault on the periphery of my mind was now a tense, restless waiting game laid out before me.

For the record, I hated being a spectator.

Once you had terminated the human Reaper, you were contacted by the Illusive Man. The secondary squad arrived on the _Normandy_ just in time to hear the communication. The Cerberus leader asked you to preserve the facility so it could be used against the Reapers and also, as he said, "to secure humanity's future against the Reapers and beyond." I was never as impressed and proud of you as when you told him to go to hell and chose to destroy the station.

After activating the self-destruct sequence, the _Normandy_, with primary systems back online, swooped in to pick up you and your squad. As the collector base rumbled and swayed, Jack and Legion made it into the ship through an open hatch. I was at the door providing cover fire to keep the remaining enemies at bay. I heard the sound of metal pierce the air as chunks of the Collector ship showered down all around you, and watched as you took a running leap off a platform. Having to dodge falling debris, the weight of your armor, and the distance between the ramp and ship's opening… I'm not sure anyone else could have made the jump. You barely made as it was. With my heart in my throat I grabbed your arm while you dangled precariously over the edge of the ship. The ship banked sharply as I hoisted you in and we tumbled together on the floor. Raising yourself on one elbow, you looked down at me and flashed a relieved but roguish smile.

Even in the confines of the _Normandy_, the detonation of the space station was violent and ear-splitting. The force of the explosion savagely jolted the frigate pushing it off its trajectory and only Joker's deft piloting skills kept us alive. We barely managed to outrun the immense fireball springing forth from the central core as the eruption engulfed the massive Collector base.

In the aftermath of the thunderous incendiary demolition, we lay on the floor of the cargo hold –arms still wrapped around each other- taking a moment's respite as the ship speeded back through the Omega-4 relay. A peaceful silence captured the moment and enveloped us like a poultice that healed the tempest of baleful sounds left in our wake.

The destruction of the Collector base also insured the annihilation of the Collectors themselves. This knowledge didn't sit well with me, but the information Mordin had uncovered eased the guilty weight of such and act. He surmised that the Collectors were in fact nothing more than mindless drones. As he put it, they were "closer to husks than slaves." He observed that over many years the Reapers had augmented the Protheans and compensated for their growing lack of ability –due to prolonged indoctrination- through cybernetic modifications. These modifications were beyond any form of repair as each Collector was riddled with cybernetics, lacked glands or a digestive system, and showed no form of intelligence or self-awareness because it had been completely eradicated by indoctrination.

Keelah! I've said it before, but the truth still stands: Indoctrination goes against the very laws of nature and is a tool of fiends.

That night after overseeing the start of the _Normandy_ repairs, we retreated to the confines of our shared space. We took the opportunity to seek out some normalcy –even if only for a few hours. We talked about frivolous things like whether you looked better in an Alliance uniform or the casual attire you donned since taking command the _Normandy SR-2._ We laughed about wondrously foolish things, such as Grunt's love of treats that looked and smelled like fish food. We even touched upon some serious matters like the Reaper schematics EDI downloaded before the Collector base was destroyed.

Those moments with you shifted and blended into the ideal of what life should be like. Complimentary, but challenging. Comfortable, but rousing. Content, but unsettled. I reveled in the fact that when I was with you, time had a way of slowing down and I savored every delicious minute. Even in those moments in which we were parted, your feel, your presence, your being were interwoven within me. That was a precious gift –one I did not take for granted.

The euphoric wave of our successful mission against the Collectors was tempered by the knowledge that the Reaper threat was not yet over. The scourge left in their wake was minimal to what was coming. This discernment spurred you to assess the loyalty of the _Normandy_ crew. To fight the Reapers, you needed to know you could trust those under your command.

Over the course of the next few days, you privately debriefed each of the crew members. You wanted to gauge their place in this new era of Cerberus freedom. You also instructed EDI, now that her AI shackles had been severed, to terminate all Cerberus monitoring devices and communications. Your last conversation with the Illusive Man made it abundantly clear that you and he were on opposite ends of the spectrum. He wanted to secure the future for humanity; you wanted to secure the future for _everyone_.

Although EDI confirmed that it had complied with your request, I took the time to verify the assurance. Much to my surprise, it had indeed followed your request and even went a step further by rerunning system scans with non-Cerberus coding –on the off-chance that the Illusive Man had imbedded a hidden protocol. If it hadn't been for the monotone inflection of its audio, I would say EDI was as glad as the rest of the crew to be rid of Cerberus, its shackles and its immoralities. Just as every person you touched, now EDI preferred you and its allegiance was yours.

After a few days to survey the damage done to the _Normandy _and evaluating what was needed to effectuate repairs, we headed to Illium. You had two things in mind: pick up the parts needed to fix the ship and meet with Liara T'Soni. Knowing you were going to be seeing her for the first time since our relationship blossomed made me reflective. I was still resentful that, after Freedom's Progress, while I was trying to accept the fact you were alive _and _working for Cerberus, Liara was requisitioning you to be her hacking lackey.

I know resentment is as fatal as the venom of the most poisonous snake, but how could she believe that using you in such a dismissive way would garner your faith and trust?

A week before entering into the Omega-4 relay, Cerberus agents had sent you information regarding the Shadow Broker's whereabouts. You held onto the intel because you wanted to verify it was valid –you had no trust or love of Cerberus. As a safety measure, you bundled together this information along with your personal files: dossiers on the crew, notes, speculations about the Reapers and the Collectors. You had me encrypt the files and install a protocol that, upon failure of our mission, would send a private transmission back through the Omega-4 Relay, across multiple untraceable jump-boxes, and ultimately get to Liara. You wanted to ensure that someone beyond Cerberus knew the truth.

Once we docked on Illium, with Miranda and Zaeed in tow, you headed toward Liara's office. Miranda and Liara had a brief history together –recovering your body- which intrigued you, and Zaeed had his cankerous commentary which greatly amused you. Although you had denied him his revenge against Vido –saving the innocent workers instead, he didn't hold it against you. He may have even respected you more for, as he would say, "following your goddamn gut."

When you arrived at her office, you gave Liara the intel on the Shadow Broker. Not only did you provide her with a clue on the Broker's location, but you offered her something she didn't expect: hope. Feron, the drell who helped recover your body, was still alive and you were willing to lend your support. True to form, your involvement turned the tide in an unexpected way –her quest for revenge suddenly transformed into a rescue operation.

To add to the plot, the Spectre, Vasir, boldly attempted to kill Liara. A chase across Illium was set in motion and subsequently, Vasir ended up dead by your hands. Afterwards, Liara forwarded the location of the Shadow Broker to the _Normandy_ and we flew off in pursuit of the information agent.

Later –when we were alone- you recounted Vasir's last words to you, condemning you for your Cerberus affiliation and reminding you of their involvement with Akuze. I saw the pain burn across your eyes at the compromise you'd given for the greater good. I empathized. We both paid a high price for the choices we'd made in during this crusade. At that point, I asked if you'd told Liara about our relationship. Apparently, as a skilled information broker, she already knew.

The journey to the Sowilo system took a few hours and from there the _Normandy_ stealth drive kept us hidden from the Shadow Broker, so we encountered no opposition when we arrived at the base. A shuttle dropped you, Liara and Zaeed on the hull of the base and eventually you made your way past security mechs and drones. At that point, the veil of secrecy was up and Broker agents attempted to thwart your siege. They might as well have been trying to stop a supernova. Once you entered the base, it didn't take long to find Feron. You were unable to free him from his prison, so you continued to make your way through the ship. When you gained entry to the main control room, Zaeed was knocked out cold, so it was just you and Liara against the Shadow Broker.

The Broker turned out to be a member of the yahg species –a ruthless predator from a lost culture. You had a way of attracting the most dreadful and exotic enemies.

Because of his barriers, you were only able to keep him off-balance with a direct physical approach –something you didn't shy away from. Combined with Liara's biotics, the two of you were able to maneuver him into position, and Liara brought the roof down on him. Literally.

As a testament to her intelligence and research capabilities, Liara had been able to unravel the Shadow Broker's identity through a list of sporadic facts and logical deductions. After you'd defeated him, his agents called in for a status update and after a moment's hesitation, Liara stepped in and took over. Everyone who'd known him was dead; therefore, it was easy to create the façade of his continued existence. I doubt she thought about the greater implications –like trading one guilt-driven quest of vengeance for a hope-driven quest of redemption.

What I had envisioned about the Broker's network was only a fraction of the expanse that truly existed. On some level, I was certain the Broker base would be a valuable asset to have in the upcoming war and I am sure that is part of what drove Liara to embrace such an undertaking. All of that knowledge, all of that influence, and all of those resources could be harnessed for the greater good.

After the base had been secured and Dr. Chakwas had seen to Feron's injuries, Liara came aboard the ship for a tour and to talk with you. While the two of you visited, I occupied my mind by roaming the _Normandy_. We'd picked up the necessary parts while on Illium so minor repairs were still underway throughout the ship. I was supposed to help Gabby and Ken, but instead I found myself on the bridge half-listening to the banter between EDI and Joker while my mind wandered.

I knew about the piece of your N7 armor in Liara's apartment, knew about her comments upon the Illium rooftop and knew about the kiss she initiated after the Broker's defeat – you told me. All of this information led to only one conclusion, she was still in love with you. Although I had no fears regarding your intent with me, I was well aware of your history with Liara and couldn't help but wonder if her feelings had any sway upon you. In some ways, life felt like it had come full circle and I was back on the _Normandy SR-1 _ruminating on things that were out of my control. This time though, the doubts plaguing my mind had nothing to do with you and everything to do with old shadows and ghosts that hadn't yet been put to rest.

I saw one thing very clearly: the choices and actions Liara made in one moment of her life set in motion a series of events that spun out of her control and the ramifications of those actions were insurmountable. There was no going back. If she had approached you differently when you reunited on Illium, if she had chosen to be honest, to be truthful, then things may have been different between the two of you. As a result of the way things played out, one door shut and another door –for me- opened. Because of this wisdom, I felt compassion for Liara.

Our choices make and shape our lives. We may not be able to choose the consequences of our actions, but our actions can evolve from choices made with positive intent. Like the choice to be happy.

In that instant, I looked at my doubt, my fear with an unobstructed eye, compared them with what I knew truly existed and then chose to cast them aside. I couldn't have faith in us and simultaneously sustain doubts that would demean us. Within that realization, my fear and uncertainty melted away as snow being bathed by the first sunlight rays of a warm spring day.

Joker never liked silence and, to my chagrin, attempted to initiate a conversation.

"_Hey, Tali! So… Liara's talking with Shepard. It's just like old times, right? Well, minus the scenes from Vaenia."_

I know he was playfully goading me, but I was in no mood to be teased, so I dramatically chambered a round in my shotgun before commenting.

"_Joker… Go get lost in the Veil."_

I stormed out the room as EDI's audio –reciting the policy against discharging weapons within the confines of the ship- faded behind me. I headed toward the elevator intending to go down to engineering. Lost in thought, shotgun still in hand, I stepped through the doors and almost collided with the focal point of my musing: Dr. Liara T'Soni. Apparently your visit with her had been brief.

Since we were headed in the same direction, I offered to escort her to the shuttle bay. The painfully quiet elevator ride was acerbated by the sideways glances from which we were both guilty of stealing. From my periphery, she stood like a solitary mountain –unmoving- and weariness dragged upon her being like leaden weights. The uncomfortable mood seemed to grow exponentially with each passing second until the elevator finally came to rest at the lower level and the doors opened. Before stepping out, she turned to me and gave me a bit of unexpected advice.

"_Tali… Being with a hero means accepting that hero's sacrifices."_

In my opinion, Liara overlooked some basic facts that our relationship had illuminated for me, so her unsolicited guidance fell short of being significant.

"_No, Liara, it doesn't. This is where you and I differ… I learned something over the last few months. Something you once knew, but seem to have discarded. Being loved gives you strength, but loving someone gives you courage… And even when that hero is going up against impossible odds, it means never accepting defeat. Ever."_

She regarded me thoughtfully then turned and walked to the shuttle bay.

After she departed, I changed my course and headed to our room. You were awake, but lying on the bed. I approached you, stretched out alongside you and with my visor removed nuzzled your neck on the shoulder side. Your arms wrapped around my body holding me close and we lay quietly together, breathing in the comfort of our combined form. Like the faint exquisite music of a dream, you smelled of old and new, of history, of the great things I now had, and of promises yet to be fulfilled. Perhaps from this, humans created their deities.

I remembered reading about them and there was a predominant phrase across many different cultures: I am the beginning and the end; what was, what is, and what will be. I found it odd that humans, quite the violent and savage race, had seemingly created their gods out of love. My love for you and the love you showered upon me helped me see all this. You, a soldier woman, a warrior –you were what was, what is, and what would come to be in my life and I relished the thought, reveled on the implications of all I had, and of living a lifetime alongside you.

That night while snuggled together on our bed, you spoke of your own doubts and concerns and ruefully asked me where I thought home existed now. You understood that by denying the Illusive Man we had walked into a whole new plethora of trouble and problematic exile and that our arduous journey was far from over. My visor had already been removed, so I stared unobstructed into your disquiet eyes, dark and moody as an emerald forest. In you, I had found someone who was able to cover me from the biting cold of doubt and whose warmth washed away with the wrongs of the day; it was time for me to remind you that the reverse was also true. In response to your question, I guided your right hand to my chest, and then I tenderly cupped your face within both of my hands. Smiling softly I informed you of the everlasting truth like a star –unhurried and unresting- that reigned between us...

…like a lingering thought whose sweetness yielded proof that it was born for immortality.

"_Home is right here… in our hands."_

_**[The End... until ME3…]**_

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's End Note:<span>**

I wanted to leave this end note offering a special thank you to all who have Fav'd, Alert'd and left Reviews. I've greatly appreciated your continuing interest, support and feedback throughout Tali's journey... it's been a wonderfully WILD ride! Thank you for taking the time to let me know what you think! It is most generous of you!

Lyaksandra- I've said it before and I will say it again - this story would not have been written without you. Not only did you make the suggestion to write it, but your beta reading and story input have been brilliant! Thank you again for your time, wisdom, words and energy. You ROCK!  
>Lyaksandra - www [dot] fanfiction [dot] netu/2544544/

As always, thanks for reading! I have enjoyed penning this tale and I hope you enjoyed the reading, as well!


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